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Question:
I'm doing a project for university course. My group is looking for behaviour modifications to promote 'private' masturbation in a positive way. And to start eliminating 'public' masturbation. In the scenario, there is a step mother as well as a friend in the group home who the fellow publicly masturbates less with.
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Answer:
by Susan Ludwig: (05/20/2004)
Thank you for your question to Sexualhealth.com! I think it is the most
frequent question that I have been asked -- and the one that causes the
most discomfort with care providers!
I would like to answer your question by telling you what a wonderful Sex
Educator, Betty Pendler told me. She had a daughter with Down Syndrome who
had just started to explore her labia in the living room-- and as Betty told me
-- she had one of those moments in which she knew she would have to respond
in the right way! Fortunately, she did, and she shares her wisdom with
others!
The first message you need to give the individual is that you understand
that what they are doing feels good. Sometimes I wonder if my clients
think that care providers simply don't understanding how compelling their
activity is! After all, it seems to provoke so much anxiety!
The second important message is that you want the individual to enjoy what
s/he is doing! If the first word out of your mouth is "don't . . ." it is
little wonder that the individual chooses to ignore the rest of the
sentence -- even if it is ". . . don't do that in the living room."
The first message is that the individual must be in a private place for
his/her safety and enjoyment. This means, of course, that the individual
understands what places would be considered to be private AND knows how to
ensure that their private place is kept private (doors and curtains are
closed).
This may seem like quite a lecture to offer when someone is engaged in a
pretty intense behaviour in a public place -- and it can be offered in
rapid succession. An example of what to say when a care provider sees
someone masturbating in an inappropriate place could be, "I want you to do
this in a place where it is safe for you." If time permits -- you could
preface that with the message, "I know this is great!"
Incidentally, I have heard of suggestions that someone reward someone with
an M&M candy if he or she is compliant and masturbates in his/her room with
the door closed. I wonder if the people who have made that suggestion have
ever experienced the reward that orgasm offers! Perhaps just the pleasure
of having a pleasant sexual experience in a place where care providers are
accepting of that experience is reward enough! I would hope so!
As for the step mother -- she needs to be taught to encourage her step-son
or daughter using the above information. If she feels reluctant to
encourage him/her in that way, she may need to be reminded of how
vulnerable it will make the individual if s/he doesn't have healthy
boundaries around private behaviour. The individual will risk a wide
variety of consequences -- from community rejection and isolation to sexual
exploitation!
As for the "partner" in the group home -- (I'm not really clear about this
reference so I'm assuming that there is someone who "joins in" when this
individual is masturbating??) it would seem to be clear that there needs to
be teaching about the private nature of all sexual behaviour. There may be
times when one shares this with a partner -- but there must be a good
relationship with that person first. There is a lot of teaching that can
be done about relationships and how to identify which are "good" and which
are not so good!
I hope that this has helped answer your question. Please write again if
anything is unclear or if there are other questions!
Sincerely,
Susan LudwigReviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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