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Question:
I am a 28 year old female who had a baby almost a year ago. Since I gave birth I lost sexual desire. Before the baby I had desire often and my husband and I had a healthy sex life now I have none, zip. I dont even think of sex. When my husband wants to I dont turn him down and I do get into it. I get orgasms 90% of the time and I enjoy it while we are doing it. my problem is wanting it without my husband having to initiate it all the time. This is affecting our marriage because he notices that I dont have a desire for him. Please I need some advise so that I can start working on my problem, a BIG one if I may say so myself. Thank you in advance for your time.
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Answer:
by Susan Ludwig: (05/28/2004)
Dear L.,
Thank you for writing to Sexual Health! Your question is a terrific one -- and one that brings up a lot of other questions!!
First of all, congratulations on the birth of your baby! I hope that you saw your doctor after the delivery and that you have been told that you have recovered from the birth of your baby and that your body is returning to "normal!" (Whatever that means!!) Remember that it takes about two years to recover from the physical, social and emotional impact of a pregnancy and a vaginal delivery -- longer for a cesarean delivery. I also hope that if you have decided to wait to have more children that you have chosen a method of birth control that you can trust. This is an important time to feel well protected from unplanned or unwanted pregnancy!
Second, I want you to think about the amount of time you have to yourself. Are you getting free time to rest, pursue interests of your own, and "date" your husband? These are all important things that can contribute to desire . . . and feeling tired, tense (because the baby might be waking soon), and distanced from your spouse will make it hard for you to feel like initiating sex with your husband.
Third, what does your husband say to you about your level of desire? Does he express concern that you don't initiate sex with him? Would it be possible to negotiate with him to do things to give you a break and help to put you in the mood? A suggestion is that perhaps he could take the baby out for a walk in the stroller and put the baby to bed -- while you soak in the tub and get your room ready for love making? That's just a "shot in the dark" because I don't know what you would like most -- or what he would like most -- but it gives you an example -- you can fill in the blanks with things you would like him to do for you -- so you can be better prepared to be the lover he knew before your baby was born!
It sounds like you are just as capable of achieving orgasm -- so I would like to suggest that your problem has more to do with fatigue, demands on your time and maybe even ‘body image' since your delivery. I would like to suggest that you see your family doctor or someone who can help you sort some of these issues out. But first, please talk to your husband and see what he would like from you -- then you can make plans to see how you can negotiate to getting your needs met so you are better prepared to meet his needs!
Please write back and let us know how you are doing! Having a baby is a tremendous adjustment to everyone -- AND it can be a wonderful and richly rewarding experience. You just might need to learn how to negotiate your own needs so you can get the most out of it!!
Sincerely,
Susan LudwigReviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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