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Question:
I’ve been forced to initiate sex for the last five years or so. My wife manages to muster up the energy to participate when I ask her to – about once a month. Lately, my erections haven’t been very consistent. I feel like I want to have sex, but when I start touching my wife, it takes me a long time to get hard, if I do at all. What’s going on?
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Answer:
by Julian Slowinski: (05/26/2004)
Erections are a natural reflexive response to either or both physical and psychological stimulation. For a young man, erections are usually experienced as being automatic, dependable, long lasting, and even embarrassing when they occur at an awkward moment. As a man ages, his erections may take longer to develop, may not be as firm, and he may require more direct stimulation to achieve an erection.
However, whenever a man is with his partner, his sexual response occurs within the context of that relationship. In other words, the relationship is where a couple's sex life finds its home. Difficulties in relationship can have a significant effect on sexual functioning. Everyday life problems can be carried over into negative effects on the sexual relationship Even when a couple is getting along outside the bedroom, their sex life can be difficult because of a number of factors including: disagreements about frequency of sex, timing, sexual technique and practices, general interest in being sexual. Whatever the cause, when one partner is not interested in sex, or is having difficulty functioning sexually, it can affect the sexual response of their partner.
From what is stated in the question, the erectile difficulty may be attributed to your difficulty in getting aroused in response to your wife's being less interested in being sexual than you are. This is not an unusual complaint for either gender when one partner is less motivated for sex. Then, if you begin to worry about getting an erection, it may make matters worse. Whatever the reason causing your partner's unwillingness, having a disinterested sexual partner may not provide an arousing scene. This can result in a sexual difficulty, such as an erection problem, or an unsatisfying experience even if the erection is adequate.
There are a number of questions that should be addressed that may offer ideas for further help. As for your wife, do we know the reason for her lack of interest in sex? Is it just her personal and normal pattern? Is it related to her health, gynecological, or medication issues? Is she overwhelmed with responsibilities so that she does not have enough of her non-sexual and emotional needs met to allow her to be receptive to sexual activity? Are there relationship problems that are interfering with her sexual appetite?
There are also a number of questions to address about your erectile complaints. Are there any medical or health related issues that could account for this problem? Over the years, has your wife's reluctance to be sexual taken a toll on your arousal response to her? Have you grown resentful? Are you getting enough stimulation from your wife? Perhaps you don't ask her for what you need in order to get aroused. Remember, as a man ages, he needs to pay sufficient attention to what he needs in terms of stimulation, including using fantasy, which could assist you in getting an erection. Are you attempting sex at the wrong time? For example, are you trying to be sexual when you're too tired, rushed, had too much to drink, or is annoyed with your wife? Finally, are the partners able to talk about these concerns? Have you consulted a physician? Have you sought professional advice from a qualified counselor?
For more information on how erection difficulties can be rated to both relationship as well as medical issues, you may refer to the book: The Sexual Male: Problems & Solutions by R. Milsten & J. Slowinski, W.W. Norton, 1999.
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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