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Question:
I see all kinds of ways to increase a womans libido but seem to run into a dead end when trying to reduce or eliminate it. My spouse works a lot and is too tired to feel like sex more often than not. I on the other hand could go for it anywhere, anytime, all the time. I love him, he is my life mate, so what can I do to decrease or elminate my sex drive so he doesn't have to feel like I always want to jump his bones, because I do. All I have to do is think of him, look at him, smell a similar cologne. I want him to be happy and I am tired of being frustrated. Your help and advice are appreciated, thanks for your time.
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Answer:
by Patricia Fawver: (06/03/2005)
I understand why you would say want to reduce your level of desire in order to make your partner more comfortable as desire differences in a relationship can cause some serious issues between people. But, I'd like you to think about this from a different perspective for a moment. Instead of trying to approach this from the idea of lowering your desire, why not think about it from the perspective of celebrating your desire and possibly learning some news ways to manage it? After all, sexual energy is an integral part of the life force within us. It is, in part, what makes the world go around. So, don't wish it away - it is one of the most beautiful and powerful forces in the universe and within you.
Now, on a more practical level, I want to give you a few things to think about. What is happening with your masturbation patterns? Are you keeping up on self-expression of your own sexuality? It's important for both people in a relationship to maintain responsibility for managing their own sexual energy. For people who have a higher frequency drive, this usually means keeping up on releasing sexual energy on a fairly regular basis. Couples often think that they "shouldn't" be masturbating if they are in a relationship, and that they "should" reserve sexual energy and direct it to their partner. This is generally not an effective strategy - it blocks the natural flow of eroticism and it sets up a dynamic of people being responsible for each other rather than being responsible for themselves. So, when you feel the desire to be sexual, go ahead and follow through with that. This can be in a solitary experience, or it might be when you are lying with him and he is holding you or caressing you. There's nothing in the world that says that both people have to be actively sexual at the same time for both people to have a good experience.
Another issue I would like you to consider is what is happening with his desire? Are there factors here that are blocking his erotic desire? Or, is his pattern simply a reflection of his natural erotic rhythm? Each of us has our own erotic tempo and flow of sexual energy. This varies among individuals and also varies within each of us over the course of a lifetime as well as on any given day. No two people match up identically in this way - each is uniquely individual.
Another thought would be for you to give consideration to attending a workshop together on sexual energy, soulful sex, or tantric sexuality. A workshop that focuses from this perspective might help you two to reconnect your sexual energy with one another and to take the intimate connection to a new intensity level.
You might also consider consulting with a Clinical Sexologist or sex therapist in your area. For referrals you can check the American Board of Sexology, the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists, or the American Association of Sex Educators, Therapists, and Counselors.
Take care and good luck. Please write back if you have further questions. Thanks, Patty Fawver Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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