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Question:
I am 50 and have had sex twice in the last 20 years. I no longer feel that sex is dirty or to be gotten over with ASAP. However I don't connect with people in general and men not at all. I suffer with major depression, PTSD and panic attacks. Therapy and drugs don't seem to help and I've had a lot. I rarely leave my apartment, but I am willing to try. I find my libido is getting stronger and so is the depression since masturbation doesn't seem to make me feel better anymore. I want a partner. Is there someplace that I can meet people like me, where I will feel safe, or at least some sites that I can go to?
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Answer:
by Susan Ludwig: ()
I'm really glad that you have written. I gather from what you have said in your letter, that your road to Sexual Health has been marked by needing to do a lot of work! I congratulate you on all you have done to date!
I often hear people saying that they want to find an intimate partner. Being alone seems to be one of the most difficult thing that people can face! I want to suggest some things that will help you with this search.
First, take a look at your interests. What do you really enjoy doing? It might be a hobby or some other special interest. What makes you feel best about yourself? It can be anything that you really enjoy. If there is nothing you can think of that would be most interesting to you, think of things that you would like to learn more about. You might find that you could take a course, join a special interest group, or find a place where you could learn a new hobby. If you are interested in computers and disability issues, you might want to check the new link that has been added on the Sexualhealth home page to www.laffpersonals.com --
It might be a link to another person who shares some of the same interests as you do.
Next, think of where you might meet someone (either on the web,or in your community) who enjoys the same things you do. Remember that having an intimate relationship rarely happens in a hurry, so you may need to "work" at it for some time.
Finally, start to take some risks in relating to others. Invite people with whom you share interest to spend time with you. Think of things you can do with them based on your common interests and ideas.
I would like to share with you one of the most important aspects of an intimate relationship that I talk about with client groups who say that they want to develop close relationships. I like to explore with these groups of clients some of the characteristics of a relationship that could be considered parts of a "good" relationship.
The first characteristic is that the relationship needs to be a "Joyful" relationship.
I like to think of Joyful as being something much more all encompassing than a "happy" relationship. In a "Joyful" relationship, each member has an appreciation for his or her feelings as well as the feelings of the other.
Sharing happiness, sadness, anger and even sharing fear can be a wonderful part of a "Joyful" relationship. Of course, in a
"Joyful" relationship, one would never belittle any feelings that the other would express. Expressions like "don't worry about that" or
"that's nothing to be mad about" just don't fit in this relationship.This acceptance of feelings can be rare -- and it's something that is really worth working towards.
I hope you can think of a "first step" in a relationship that you can plan to take -- and maybe you will be ready to take that step soon!
Sincerely, Susan Ludwig
Editor's note: There is a new book
out called Restoring Intimacy: The
Patient's Guide to Maintainig
Relationships During Depression
that will be available here soon.Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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