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Question:
I am a 42 year old male and have been married for
20 years. My wife had more partners then I before we
were married. During sex I always ask her about her past
partners. At the time we are having sex it gets me very
excited to hear what she has done with other men, then
afterwards it bothers me knowing she had so many
partners. But I keep asking for more. What can I do to
change this?
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Answer:
by Joy Davidson: ()
After 20 year of marriage it’s wonderful to hear
that you and your wife have maintained an exciting sexual
relationship. However, it sounds to me like you’ve also
created a rather rigid ritual to keep that excitement
flowing--one that relies as much on your upset over her
past as it does on your arousal while listening to her
stories. In plain language, you’re getting off on your own
hyped up, pumped up jealousy. Intellectually I think you
know that it’s ludicrous to be fretting over ancient history,
nevertheless, you’ve become dependent on this form of
psychological “afterplay”.
You have two basic choices. Stop asking her to describe
these incidents or accept that this little quirk of yours is
turning you on....and learn to enjoy it from start to
finish. You are in control of your thoughts and your
reactions. Whether you choose to continue making yourself
miserable over something that actually fuels your erotic
fires is entirely up to you.
In any case, it certainly wouldn’t hurt for you both to
expand your fantasy repertoire. Since you clearly love
auditory stimulation during sex, perhaps you can begin to
speak about new sexual experiences you’d like to explore
together, or describe erotic scenarios that exist only in the
realm of your imaginations.
Naturally, if you feel your marriage is faltering as a
result of your conflict, some counseling would be
warranted. But if the relationship is otherwise solid, I think
you and your wife can turn this around yourselves.Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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