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Question:
My partner has often asked me what I think/fantasize about while making love. I have always answered but never in return. Tonight after making love I asked what my partner was fantasizing about, but instead of answering changed the subject. I brought the subject up again but was informed that my partner was "too tired". I kind of insisted, reminding that I have always been open about it, and my partner told me the fantasy was about "the ex". I was further told it was a common fantasy. They still keep in contact, nearly daily. Also my partner's ex has told me that the love is still there. Should I be concerned?
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Answer:
by Joy Davidson: ()
Clearly, you are already concerned. But rather than
worry about this or try to second guess your partner’s
thoughts, talk with her about her feelings toward her ex.
It's true that there’s nothing unusual about occasionally
including a former lover in one’s fantasy, but given the
fact that your partner’s contact with her ex is frequent
and you already know her counterpart still has strong
feelings, the subject deserves focused exploration in a
non-sexual context. It’s possible that her reluctant but
honest revelation was a way of tentatively confessing
lingering feelings toward her former lover. Then again
...maybe not. Only she can tell you. After an in depth
conversation, if she insists the fantasy is innocuous and
that she has no interest in rekindling a relationship with
her ex, believe her and move on.
A word to the wise (and this applies to just about any
couple): next time you ask your partner to share a fantasy
or decide to share one of your own, set some ground
rules. I suggest sticking with fantasies that you could
conceivably enjoy and perhaps act out together, and skip
those that exclude your partner altogether. There’s really
no margin in talking about desires for exes, friends or
strangers unless those scenarios arouse and/or include both
of you. For variety, you might also want to consider
reading erotic literature together, or taking a Tantra
course to develop more intimacy and connection with each
other during lovemaking.Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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