Answer:
by Joy Davidson: ()
This sounds like a movie script if ever I heard one! I don’t know what made you suspect he’d be
susceptible to your wiles -- which may very well be at the core of this matter. Did you feel he was already fooling around on the net, so you baited a trap to investigate your suspicions? Or did you just want to see, out of curiosity, if he’d be susceptible to a woman’s approach? If so, it’s really hard to say who’s more duplicitous.... him or you.
Now, the big question is, can you both live with the folly of your respective ways and redeem the relationship? That depends not only on whether you are willing to forgive him and start fresh, but on whether he can forgive you once he knows how you set him up.
In the interests of “strategy”, some people might
suggest that you’d be foolish to tell him how you neatly sprung a trap and then toyed with him once he was captive Of course they’d have a point. However, in the larger interests of having a relationship with a rock solid foundation of trust, the truth must come forth. You both need to decide whether you’re capable of toughing out a commitment... or only good at generating heat and head games.
The most ethical approach for you is confession.
Remember, however, that while confession may be good
for your soul-- and for the relationship in the long run -- it
won’t exactly make your man’s day. You’ve been directing
this drama for quite a while. He, on the other hand,
doesn't even know you’re in the theater -- and when he
finds out he’ll think the whole proscenium has collapsed on
his head. So be ready to deal with his initial emotions and
reactions, which may include rage, humiliation, shame,
blame, fear.... and more rage. In fact, for your own
safety, I suggest you have this discussion in a public venue,
like a quiet restaurant or coffee house. (I’m not kidding.)
If he manages to stay in his seat and is willing to keep
talking, be sure to avoid being the “pot that calls the
kettle black”. Focus on the real issue, which is simply that
you love him and realize you have both betrayed each
other’s trust. Tell him you’d like to work on regaining your
faith in one another, and you hope he, too, is willing to do
whatever it takes to make the relationship solid. Realize
that your guy may be initially unable to do much more
than glare and sputter, and, undoubtedly he’ll need time
to process your revelations But if he is serious about you,
he will come around. If not, you’ll be better off having
some resolution.
If the two of you do hang in after this debacle,
beginning couples’ counseling is mandatory. You’ve got a
winding, rocky road ahead of you and you’ll need a guide
who can help you negotiate the sharpest curves. Even if
you break up, I think some counseling is in order for you.
Your unabashed manipulation of this situation speaks
volumes about your own inner workings. I advise you to dig
a little deeper now, before you end up in another
relationship that's more shadow than substance. Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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