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Question:
I got married a little over a month ago. I am a virgin and he isn't. We haven't had sex yet because every time we try I pull back. Recently we tried and he got his head in but then I pulled back.
When I was growing up my parents never talked about sex. The only thing they told us was not to do it. I have never seen a gynocologist because the thought of someone in me terrifies me. In my mind I see myself having sex but when it comes down to doing it I just can't. I don’t know what to do, please help.
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Answer:
by Joy Davidson: ()
Making love is meant to be an exquisite, joyous experience and I am saddened immensely by your distress. Without knowing much more about your background I can only offer you some general suggestions, but hopefully they will take you in the right direction.
Given the negative indoctrination you received at home, I believe you need to establish a fresh, solid and supportive informational foundation before you continue “experimenting” in the bedroom. I suggest you log onto Amazon.com (you can search amazon.com from here) or one of the other large on line book stores and stock up on materials that provide sound education about women’s health and sexuality. You could begin with: Our Bodies Ourselves; The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex; and
Ordinary Women, Extraordinary Sex. By immersing yourself in sex-positive, women-friendly resources, you’ll absorb ideas that will help lift the dark cloud that hovers over your sexual self-image.
I also feel it’s important for you to see a gynecologist. Ask your girlfriends for names of female physicians or health practitioners that they trust. Make an appointment for a consultation and, prior to the exam, tell the Dr. exactly what you’ve told me. Explain that you need your examination to proceed slowly and gently, at your own pace. Tell her you’d like to use a mirror so that you can watch the exam and learn the hidden crevices of your own body. It’s important to know that you are healthy -- and it’s just as important to begin to develop a sense of trust in another, combined with confidence in your own ability to manage the circumstances under which you are probed and touched.
Finally, there is no better way to develop a love for and comfort with your own body than by tenderly exploring its mysteries yourself. While you’re logged on to Amazon, order a copy of Betty Dodson’s classic “Sex for One”. The first step toward sharing your sexuality with another is feeling your desires blossom in your own hands.
I hope you’ll share your reading matter with your husband, too. The more he learns about how to give a woman pleasure, the more sensitive he can be to your needs. You may not be ready to invite his penis inside you yet, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy other intimacies together -- kissing, fondling, exploring varieties of touch so that you both learn how to arouse one another using the techniques of “outercourse” (once upon a time known as “foreplay”).
As you become more comfortable with yourself and your partner, you’ll want to try taking a few small risks. Consider allowing your husband to penetrate you with one finger, then eventually two, then even three. (Always be sure you are turned on and well lubricated before anything is inserted into your vagina.) In time, as you come to enjoy the sensation of being entered, I have a feeling you’ll want to experience intercourse as much as your partner does.
If at any point in this process you are overwhelmed by disturbing or confusing emotions, don’t hesitate to talk them over with a therapist. You’re sailing in uncharted territory now, and it would not surprise me if you bumped into a few pylons. However, you’ve taken a first, crucial step by writing to me, and I believe that your strong desire for change will see you through ....all the way.Reviewed by: Annette Owens M.D.,
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