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Question:
Do partners, where one partner has completely lost their sex drive, ever agree on some sort of outsourcing for the driven partner? My girlfriend and i have been together for 6 years and have a wonderful relationship in all aspects except one, that is tearing me apart. For the first 18 months we both had very high sex drives whereby we would have sex between 1 and 3 times per day. At this point my girlfriend developed a severe case of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (after some undetermined virus) and her sex drive and desire deteriorated to absolute zero after six months and has never returned (incidentally, neither have her periods). We are still battling her chronic fatigue and four years on her drive is still zero. The problem is that i am going completely insane as my drive has remained the same and it appears that masterbation just is not doing the trick any more. Unfortunately our social upbringing of fidelity does not consider unusual situations such as this. Sometimes unusual situations need unusual solutions. I feel that this has been a ridiculous question to ask but she really has no desire at all any more and i just want to know if people have managed to keep their relationships alive by changing the rules of this one aspect. Many people won't understand this thinking, but i live in a country where prostitution is legal and i have seriously considered using that as an outlet with her consent. Have you ever heard of this working?? Any other suggestions would of course be most welcome!
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Answer:
by Kelly Ace: (04/20/2007)
Some couples do find that they can negotiate this. Others try it and find out that it takes a major toll on the relationship, even though they didn’t initially think that it would. Whether you and your girlfriend can do this is hard to say.
It seems like you are respectful of her changed level of interest, even though you are not happy about it. It’s less clear whether the two of you have been able to really talk about how this is affecting both of you, let alone explored possible ways of improving the sexual aspect of your relationship.
I strongly recommend that the two of you seek couples counseling with an seasoned therapist who is knowledgeable about sexual issues and willing to help you explore the pro’s and con’s of non-traditional relationships prior to you taking any steps that contradict your and your girlfriend’s ideas about fidelity. (Once done, this can’t be undone, so it’s best to first be really sure that the potential benefits outweigh the potential risks.) I’m afraid I don’t know much about sex therapists in Australia. Your primary healthcare provider or a local family planning clinic may be able to suggest some professionals with the necessary expertise. (Someone in from the Australian Society of Sex Educators, Researchers, and Therapists or the human sexuality departments at the University of Sydney or the Curtain University of Technology may also be able to help.)
I can’t help but think that it would also be helpful for your girlfriend to be evaluated by a gynecologist or endocrinologist. While there may be a connection between abnormal hormone levels and chronic fatigue, I wouldn’t assume that her current diagnosis explains why she hasn’t had a period in 4 years. Something else may be going on medically. Depression – which has both physical and emotional components -- may also be playing a role. Of course, there’s no guarantee that your girlfriend will be open to looking at these issues. Broaching the subject is likely to be easier if you emphasize that you are not only concerned about your sex life, but also want to support her in figuring out how to feel her best and enjoy her life to the fullest.
If you do end up deciding to become sexually involved with another person, please remember the importance practicing safer sex.
Best wishes for both you and your girlfriend,
Kelly Ace
Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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