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Question:
I HAVE HAD THIS PROBLEM MOST OF MY ADULT LIFE, WHAT ARE THE MAIN CAUSES OF RETARDED EJACULATION, AND WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT?
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Answer:
by Annette Owens: (03/03/2005)
"Retarded ejaculation" is also called “delayed ejaculation”. Since you have had DE for your adult life, it is probably not a medication side effect, but I do want to point out that several medications can make it harder for a man to ejaculate. Especially the antidepressants called SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors such as Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Luvox, and Effexor) sometimes have this side effect. Other drugs are Anafranil, Elavil and antianxiety medications such as Librium, Ativan, Valium and Xanax. As a matter of fact, all these medications are sometimes used to treat men with premature ejaculation (PE).
First of all let me emphasize that you are not alone. I have spoken to several men who have this condition. DE is considered being relatively rare, but I believe it is simply under reported. Many men do not view it as a problem but rather as an asset being able to last longer than others. There are no self-help books available specifically on this topic (as compared to several good books on overcoming PE) and information is usually hard to find.
Some men with DE—but far from all—have obsessive/compulsive disorder and the more they worry about not being able to ejaculate the harder it gets. Other men harbor an unconscious fear of pregnancy, or they are afraid of loosing control or becoming too vulnerable to their partner if they ejaculate.
As with all parts of sex play, relaxation and pleasure are the keys. Changing your focus from being performance oriented to embracing pleasure is crucial. This means not to focus too much on how hard your erection is or on wanting to orgasm or ejaculate but instead to focus on what feels good and brings you and your partner(s) pleasure. Take some pressure off yourself. Don’t thrust harder and longer when you cannot come during intercourse. That will only make you experience less sensations. Instead, try to recognize and enjoy all the different types of pleasure in your love play—visual, sensual (including non-genital touch), emotional and physical pleasure.
Very often a man with DE can ejaculate when he masturbates. (By the way, orgasm and ejaculation are separate events usually occurring simultaneously. A man can reach orgasm without ejaculating and without having an erection and he can ejaculate without experiencing orgasm.) Most men with DE need a high level of manual stimulation in order to ejaculate during masturbation or they need to be in a certain position to do so. It can be difficult to reach that same level of stimulation during intercourse. Try to change the way you masturbate, by increasingly loosening your grip, and changing positions as well as breathing patterns. Get out of the rut that works and be open to trying new ways. Don’t get too focused on your penis but explore new touches on your entire body, when you are alone and with a partner. Once you have practiced on your own you can integrate your expanded masturbation repertoire into your love play with partners. Switch back and forth between intercourse and other types of pleasurable stimulation—don’t just keep thrusting. Use feathers, silk scarfs, oils and lubricants or whatever feels good to you and your partner(s) on your entire body.
I always ask men with DE whether their level of arousal reached during masturbation matches the intercourse situation. Many men masturbate to fantasies which reality simply cannot live up to, leaving real life less arousing. In that case it is important to search for ways to increase arousal with a partner and also to try to rely less on those particular fantasies when alone.
Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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