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Question:
My husband and I had a baby nine months ago and
our relationship seems to be on a down hill slide. We
have had sex no more than once a week after she
turned three months old. Sometimes we can go for
several weeks and not have sex. I don't have any desire
much of the time. There also seems to be a new
component that has arisen in the fact that he seems
very unsatisfied with my performance. At this point I
feel frigid and cannot do anything right to please him.
Desire has welled up inside of me but I fear not
pleasing him or initiating foreplay correctly, it has
become too scary to try. He says frequently that he
feels like he is punching a time clock now or that I'm
too preoccupied. He also says another person cannot
make you feel a certain way, only you can allow that,
so it's all my fault. Our sex life previous to the baby
was not great but we did seem to connect and have
much more fun. What can I do to bring the spark back?
I feel the depression and despair around our
relationship as a whole increasing. I am getting
desparate and scared of our future. What can I do?
Please help me.
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Answer:
by Annette Owens: (05/15/2004)
First of all, congratulations on your baby! These
little individuals tend to change people’s lives,
sometimes dramatically. I encourage you to read my
essay on my own web site www.cvillewellness.com
about childbirth and sexuality
(http://www.cvillewellness.com/child%20birth.htm).
It sounds as if you have gotten into a bad circle, where
you now are afraid of doing things wrong.
You are asking what you can do about getting the spark
back and you are scared for the future. My first advice
is to talk openly about this subject with your husband.
Have him also read my essay on childbirth. Talk about
what is realistic with respect to when to have sex and
how often. Remember that babies do get bigger, that
eventually they start sleeping through the night, and
get more predictable sleep-patterns that actually may
allow you to plan for sexual activity in your life.
Next, I encourage you to frequently get a baby-sitter
and to create some time for each other. Go out for
dinner, watch a movie together, or simply go
somewhere where you can communicate in piece and
without interruptions from your daughter. Even better,
try to get away for a night or two. Often, the fact that
two partners are willing to create special time for each
other has a positive impact on their relationship.
In order to bring the spark back, why not try to
re-discover each other’s bodies and start from afresh
beginning? Get some nice massage oils, and try to
arrange a time, where you both are rested and relaxed.
Try to arrange a nice setting for both of you. Undress as
much as you feel comfortable and take turns giving
each other a massage of all areas of your body, not
necessarily including the genitals and your
breasts/nipples. Start out lying on your back, and then
turn over. Try to spend at least 1/2 hour on each other,
and enjoy caressing different areas of your bodies. The
person, who is receiving the massage, should try to let
the other person know what feels good and what
doesn’t. This is a nice way to learn more about each
other’s bodies without focusing on intercourse and
genital areas. You both may find this interaction very
pleasurable, and you may find out that sex does not
necessarily have to include intercourse, but that you
can give each other much pleasure simply by exploring
and caressing each other’s bodies. Then you move on
from there, as you feel like.
There are a lot of ways you then can bring even more
spark into your sex life, but it is necessary to lay a good
foundation of intimacy and communication.
Good luck!
Annette Owens, MD PhD
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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