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Question:
My wife and I have been married for two years and
only had sex after getting married. The problem is that my
wife's clitoris and vagina go numb very quickly when we are
making love. I have used both manual stimulation and oral
stimulation in addition to intercourse. I am aware that the
clitoris is sensitive, so I try to stimulate the area nearby
rather than directly. However, she doesn't report much
stimulation. She prefers the missionary posture. I would
expect that she would feel at least some
pleasure/sensation when her clitoris and vagina are being
stimulated. She does, but not for long. She has never
experienced an orgasm and 2/3 of the time she begins to
feel numb in her vagina after only about 3 minutes of
intercourse. She is not very aware of her own body and
does not really stimulate herself at all. She is in her early
30s, healthy, not taking any medications, and is not
breast-feeding. The doctor says nothing is wrong with her.
She is comfortable with her body appearance and says she
doesn't have any feelings of guilt about having sex, but
often she thinks of tasks that need to get done later while
we have sex. I am a little overweight. She would like me to
become leaner and put on more muscle. Any advice you
can give us would be appreciated.
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Answer:
by Yvonne Fulbright: (05/15/2004)
It would be most productive if you can get your
wife to give her perspective directly to a certified sex
therapist. Only she can fully describe her perspective and
assure the feedback we are providing is accurate. We can
only supply you educated guesses based on your perception
of your wife's situation. This is often not the most reliable
information in a therapeutic setting. So based on the
information you have provided us, it is does not seem that
your wife's genital numbness when stimulated is
physiologically based. However, if she hasn't been checked
out by a gynecologist (versus a general practitioner) to see
if there is anything hormonal or neurological going on, you
may want to suggest she do so.
It seems as though the anesthesia-type of response
your wife is experiencing is psychologically rooted. While
your wife may not be feeling guilty about having sex, she
may -- unknowingly -- feel fear, anxiety, or shame over
the fact that she is now sexually active or disappointed sex
isn't what she imagined. We all absorb many cultural taboos
and expectations about sex we are unaware of.
Based on your description of her not being very aware
of her own body and not having allowed herself the
opportunity to explore it and effectively stimulate it may
partially explain why she may be sexually inhibited.
Furthermore, instead of focusing on sexual feelings, your
wife allows her mind to wander and focus on other things
essentially detaching her from what is occurring when you
make love. All of this could be occurring because of
negative messages about sexual pleasure she has received
over the years, a low priority in her life for sex, or because
there is something different she needs that she cannot
communicate. Whatever, the result is she is now having
difficulty enjoying genital stimulation (and is going numb),
and is unable to achieve orgasm.
So what can you do? It seems as though you have been
attentive as far as how to stimulate her. You may want to
try direct stimulation, since some women do get more out
of it. While she prefers the traditional missionary position,
you may want to suggest trying other positions -- ones that
give the woman more control and that allow for more
clitoral stimulation, for example the woman-on-top
position, or allow for more G Spot stimulation from behind.
What else can she do? Your wife could spend some time
with herself exploring her body, becoming better familiar
and more accepting of it, and experimenting with
different techniques either one of you could use during
lovemaking. There is a video Becoming Orgasmic that can
guide her through this process.
Best wishes to you both,
Yvonne Fulbright and Mitch TepperReviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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