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Question:
My five year old masturbates often. I've been pretty successful in asking her to do it in private however sometimes I find her doing it in front of my 4 year old daughter. My concerns are with my eldest, she has a large clitoris that is larger than her labia. Her Doctor said some people a just shaped differently and that maybe her labia will one day cover or overlap her clitoris. Lately I've noticed her wanting to play with other children in private and have discovered her with various children playing in the nude, touching each others genitals, even blowing on them. How can I prevent this behavior from persisting? And are we headed for early sexual activity with her? She also is infatuated with a boy in her Kindergarten class and does nothing more than tell me about him instead of what she has learned. Is she suppose to have such sexual behavior at her age and what are we going to expect when she hit's puberty?
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Answer:
by Larry Siegel: ()
Thanks for writing in. I can certainly appreciate your concerns and difficulty in dealing with this. Unfortunately, we never accepted that children are sexual beings in this country and, as a result, the only relationship between children and sexuality is that of abuse and molestation. Your daughter was fondled last year and that is a significant experience in her sexual development. Along with her being touched, it's a good bet that things were said to her as well. While it is unlikely that there will be any negative effects of the fondling experience, it does add to her sexual "programming." But, again, this does not mean she is destined for trouble.
At age 5 things like self-pleasuring (even to orgasm), genital curiosity, genital comparisons, and exhibiting sex-role behaviors are all a normal part of sexual development. Also know that developmentally, these also exist within the context of learning to distinguish between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. It's important to continue to reinforce (gently but firmly) that this is not acceptable behavior, without making a really big deal out of it. Some children are more sexually precocious than others, especially if they've experienced some events (ie, molestation) that focus their attention on their genitals and genital pleasure prior to their own natural discovery.
Basically, being consistent and non-punitive is the best approach to dealing with your daughter. Remember that our adult view of sex and sexuality is not the same as hers and her behavior is not, to her, the same as it would be for us. Talking to your younger daughter about privacy is also an important thing to do. You can also tell her that if your eldest begins showing her genitals, she can just walk out of the room. The same goes for her friends. If your eldest daughter is exposing herself to her friends and wanting them to show their own genitals (which is also normal), you can tell her friends they don't have to play that game and if they want, they should just walk away - without a fuss.
Her enlarged clitoris may have bearing in terms of a heightened awareness of pleasure that she can get from it. Her labia may or may not grow around it but I would doubt whether this will have any bearing on her development; people really are shaped differently. Keep reinforcing that this is a part of her body that can feel good but it needs to remain private. You can also refer to the fondling as something that shouldn't have been done and, though she has learned some things about her body as a result of it, it's not to be shared with others. Even though she's 5, it's not too early to begin teaching the lesson of ownership and responsibility for her body. Place it in the context of being special and not as something bad or dirty; something to be ashamed of.
If you remain consistent, balanced, and supportive throughout, letting her learn about and take ownership of her body in a healthy and responsbile way, I seriously doubt there will be much more than the usual concerns when she hits puberty and adolescence. Please keep in mind that talking about sex and sexuality (just like sexuality itself) is a process that should be addressed in an ongoing fashion. Keep at it.
I hope this has been of some help to you. I wish you and your daughters all the best. The fact that you are addressing this rationally already and have taken the time to seek outside help speaks well of you as a parent and a guide to your children. Your girls are in good hands with you!
Take care and be well.
Larry Siegel
Editors note: Three of the parent's comments made me wonder about the possibility of intersexed/transgenderissues with this child.
1)"Infatuation" - it is fairly common for transgendered kids to go through periods of 'infatuation' with others who match their internal sense of gender. This infatuation is really a form of admiration/sympatico/kinship for the other person and often is accompanied by a desire to be more like them or others of that same gender.
2) "Large clitoris" - as Dr Siegel mentioned, genitals are very individual and come in all shapes, sizes, and color variations. However, since the clitois and penis develop from the same embryological tissue, unusually large clitoral development can indicate variations in the hormonal environment (either in-utero or post-natally).
3)The sexually assertive exploratory behaviors you mentioned are sometimes (not always) more typical of male sex play than female sex play.
So, I wondered if you have explored any gender issues in regards to your child. Does your child exhibit or describe any internal sense of gender incongruency? If you are interested in learning more, the following websites could be of help: Intersex Society of North America, FTM Int'l, PFLAG, and, annelawrence.com. Please feel free to write back to sexualhealth.com also. Dr Fawver
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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