Answer:
by Jenni Skyler: (11/10/2009)
I can understand how this issue may consume your thoughts and feelings. Having young kids can make it difficult and stressful to balance a healthy marriage and a healthy family. There are a lot of people asking for your time and energy. However, I commend you for opening the lines of communication with your husband, and even trying out new toys. In today’s society, we have a lot more permission to explore our sexual identities, to include an expansion of our sexual fantasies. The trick is to find the boundary between fantasy and reality. You may have a plethora of fantasies that you can mentally manifest as you masturbate; however, if your husband is uncomfortable with physically executing them in your relationship, then finding a point of compromise may be the goal. Has he shared his fantasies with you? Can you use role play or videos to uncover common fantasies that may overlap?
While you may desire to expand the boundaries of your exclusive, monogamous marriage, it sounds like he may not be comfortable with this. You may need to find other ways to amplify the fire in the bedroom, starting with setting scheduled, weekly sex dates that do not allow you to have intercourse, but only sensual touch. Because many of our fantasies are about having what we cannot have, thus restricting common sexual activities tends to make us yearn for them more.
A skilled sex therapist may be able to help you negotiate and compromise towards a common goal. I also highly suggest reading Elizabeth Schroeder’s article in sexualhealth.com on Fantasies and Relationships, as well as Ester Perel’s book: Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. If you think that an alternative lifestyle if for you, also read Tristan Taormino’s book: Opening Up.
Reviewed by: Kathleen Scarbo (VanKirk) MA, DHS, CYT
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