Masturbation is often the easiest, and certainly the safest, form of sexual activity. Many men enjoy it because it is easy, quick, and stress-relieving. But if your husband is using masturbation as a total substitute to sex in your relationship, then that might be a red flag for deeper relationship issues. Again, stress or anxiety in a relationship can lead men towards masturbation as an easy outlet for relief. Men experiencing erectile dysfunction in bed may feel embarrassment or shame and turns toward masturbation because it is a safe place to express sexuality without performance pressure.

My suggestion is to explore this topic with him in more depth. Does ‘he’ think he needs to overcome this issue? Do you both still make love in addition to his masturbation? These would be good issues to explore with him, or with the assistance of a compassionate sex therapist. Keep in mind that masturbation as an activity in and of itself is healthy. Masturbating alone or together helps a person learn his/her erogenous zones and helps foster fantasy, feeding the fires of desire. Maintaining fantasy and desire will only amplify your mutual lovemaking. Because masturbation is often thought as a solitary activity, it takes a lot of courage for couples to talk about it, nonetheless demonstrate in front of one another. Yet, doing so may have great benefits for your relationship. Perhaps offer to masturbate in front of him, and then suggest he do the same for you. Or declare that you want to become an expert on manual pleasure and you need his help to show you how to best masturbate and manually please him.

For more reading on masturbation, please see Elizabeth Schroeder’s article: Masturbation in Relationships, on www.sexualhealth.com, or Masturbating as a Means of Achieving Sexual Health, by Coleman and Bockting. For a more thorough look at fantasy and desire in relationships, read Ester Perel’s book, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.

Reviewed by: Kathleen Scarbo (VanKirk) MA, DHS, CYT