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Question:
The woman I love has HIV but I'm very confused. She says she does not have AIDS. only HIV (what is the difference?). I had one time penetration with a condom and many times oral sex.
I really love her but I'm also afraid. Can I tell her that I would like to stop having full intercourse with her without hurting her?
What are the chances to get HIV by oral sex?
She also told me that she was a receptor for HIV but I did not understand that. Is her virus harder to contrat than other form of HIV?
Please help me.
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Answer:
by Georgan Gregg: ()
I’ll do my best to help you, especially so because I, too, was in love with a person with HIV/AIDS. Believe me, the 2 best things you can do are to learn all you can about this disease & get emotional support. I’ll answer your questions & offer you links I think will help.
Human Immune-deficiency Virus (HIV) is the virus that leads to AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome). Once a person is infected with HIV they are said to “have” HIV or be “HIV+(positive)” which is different than being diagnosed with the stage of HIV Disease which is more serious & life threatening — AIDS. Also, it’s emotionally a bigger deal to be labeled as a person with AIDS for many people with HIV.
She received this virus from someone else who was infected with it, so perhaps that’s what she meant by being a receptor. Some people confuse the term “carrier” that’s used with other diseases meaning they “carry” the disease without symptoms of their own. However, this isn’t correct terminology with HIV, since no one has symptoms immediately. In fact it may be 10 years or longer before the disease progresses to a point where symptoms occur. They still “have” HIV, it simply takes that long to produce symptoms - but they certainly can infect others from the moment they are infected.
Of course you are scared, it’s natural to feel a wide range of emotions when learning that a beloved one has a life threatening disease—which is transmissible!! Such sexual risks are nothing to be taken lightly. You must make an informed decision as to how to best express your love & lust while protecting your own best health interests.
You didn’t mention whether the oral sex was fellatio (mouth to penis) or cunnilingus (mouth to vagina). In either case what you really need to know is that HIV can get into your body in either case, but giving cunnilingus to her is more risky for you than getting fellatio from her. Here’s what you need to focus on to determine level of risk with this partner: 3 fluids – blood, vaginal fluids & breast milk – contain HIV. Therefore, protect the mucous membrane (which might allow entrance of HIV) of your penis by using a latex condom for fellatio. For cunnilingus or analingus, also known as “rimming” (mouth to rectum), use clear plastic wrap, a cut-open & flattened latex condom, or dental dam (square piece of latex used by dentists in oral surgery).
As to you talking with her about not having intercourse, I suggest that you begin by telling her how much you care about her. That you know how hard it must be having this scary disease & how much you admire her being honest with you. Explain that you are still learning about the possibilities of becoming infected with HIV & that, at least for now, you are most comfortable with forms of love-making other than intercourse. Let me point out to you that your best chance to stay HIV-negative & still have sex with your girlfriend is to engage only in activities that do not involve any of her body fluids containing HIV, or by using protective barriers, including correct & consistent use of latex condoms during vaginal, anal & mouth to penis contact, & the moisture barriers during other types of oral sex as explained above.
You need to become a part of the community of people who are involved with people with HIV. Hopefully, she already has an HIV/AIDS-knowledgeable/sensitive doctor. This is a great place for you to get information & support. This doctor will help your girlfriend (& you) understand the value of a healthy lifestyle, including tests & immunizations. They may also be able to suggest referrals for psychosocial issues she & you both may have to deal with. If she doesn’t have such a doctor or if you need more referrals I urge you to search the web for HIV-related service organizations near you. There are dozens of such helpful agencies in Canada - just type in HIV/AIDS Canada & the name of your province. These folks can help find local referrals for either of you. You might also wish to check out the U.S. CDC National AIDS Hotline’s website as they can answer your questions via email & have excellent HIV/AIDS informational links.
Good luck to you both & please don’t hesitate to contact us again.
Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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