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Question:
My boyfriend and I are not ready to engage in sexual intercourse yet, however, I've been having a sexual related problem anyway. When he used to finger me, I'd always get to the point where I thought I was going to have an orgasm but then I'd stop him because I was almost afraid to. Now, I want to have an orgasm but instead of getting that same wonderful sensation my vagina just becomes tense and the pleasure stops. Is there any reason why this might happen?
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Answer:
by Larry Siegel: ()
Thanks for writing in and sharing your concern. I can appreciate your frustration and can also assure you this this is not uncommon, especially for sexually inexperienced people. There is very likely a good reason for what is happening with you and it's not really anything to be worried about.
You see, the body works primarily on the principle of conditioning. In other words, the body gets used to operating the way it's been "trained" to operate. From what you described, you were enjoying your boyfriend's fingering and the pleasurable sensations began to build, but you cut them off right before you thought you might have an orgasm. You also said that you stopped these feelings because you were "almost afraid" to have an orgasm.
Unfortunately, now that you actually want to have one, your body has been conditioned to cut off those sensations and tense up. The solution is simply to "re-train" your body to allow yourself to let go. I wonder, too, if you have trouble falling asleep. It is quite common to have the same kind of trouble allowing yourself to "fall" asleep. They both require letting yourself go...
Having an orgasm really involves allowing yourself to relax and trust that your sensations are not wrong or overpowering (often the fear of losing control is behind the arousal difficulties). In addition to learning to relax and allow yourself to feel these feelings more, it might be helpful to start with experiencing these sensations when you're alone. Pleasuring yourself in the bath or in bed, for example, can help you learn about your body and how it responds. We all have our own orgasmic styles (which still vary in different situations) and it usually takes time to learn about your own. I'm also including a link to a website that you might find helpful.
Good luck and remember that there is no need to rush any of this. You have many years of exploration ahead of you. Sexual discovery and development is not a sprint, it's a marathon!
Take care and be well.
LarryReviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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