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Question:
Hi Dr.McCafree, I am 17 years old and having problems getting "wet". I am not sexually active and do not plan to be until I am married. I have only been fingered by two guys but I find no pleasure in it because it hurts me. I think it has really affected my sexual desire. I am very much attracted to my boyfriend, I just don't understand why I can't get wet. I am really frustrated with myself and I would love to know if there is anything I can do to help make the experience more enjoyable. Could there be something wrong with me? Will I always be like this? I also have never masturbated before, because it does not feel good. If you have any suggestions I would be more than greatful to hear them. Thank you very much!
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Answer:
by Konstance McCaffree: ()
Yours is a wonderful question and I am very glad that you asked it. I think many young women have similar experiences so yours is not an unusual one at all.
You will get "wet" when you are really sexually excited some day. There are many reasons why that wetness isn't happening just now. First, you are probably always in need to be in control in order to make sure that intercourse doesn't happen during your sexual activity. When a woman needs to keep that control she keeps her body from really enjoying the touching and sexually arousing. It is how our mind can control our sexual feelings. Also, when the boys were doing the fingering you may not have felt terribly relaxed with them as if they were your very intimate "soul mate." We need to feel really relaxed with someone in order for our bodies to respond sometimes.
The fingering that was done by the two boys may also not have been pleasurable anyway. Boys don't know how to touch us unless we teach them how. They will just push as hard as they think they should; they have not been taught how and where to finger, so they just put the fingers in the vagina. That is where a loving couple learns to make "love" together. The woman needs to tell the partner what feels good and how to touch.
Most of the excitement for females takes place outside of the vagina on the clitoris and labia as it is. That is why some might suggest that you masturbate because you can practice touching yourself in ways that you can then teach a partner.It isn't necessary though because many learn with their special partner, how to talk to one another and tell each what feels good.
It is a myth to think that putting a penis in the vagina will always make a girl pleased. We have to find ways that our body enjoys being touched and will be sexually excited. That is some of the fun of experimenting with your special person.
If for some reason you don't feel enough wetness (which by the way takes a while to develop during sexual play - males get erections pretty fast, but females do not get wet fast) later when you are ready for intercourse you can always use water- based lubricants such as K-Y Jelly or AStroglide, found in most drug stores, K-Mart, etc. Lots of people use them to add even more wetness so that going into the vagina feels better. (See what I mean? Lots of people use additional lubricant and it is even available in regular stores!) You use a water-based lubricant so that when you use a latex condom to protect you it won't ruin the latex. Also, oils such as vaseline and baby oil are hard to get out of the body. They are actually unhealthy so it is important to use water-based lubricant. You can use this for fingering as well and then teach the partner how to touch in ways that feel good.
Hope this helps and feel free to ask other questions if you have them.Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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