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Question:
This is a long one. My current partner and I broke up in September. More specifically that was when I moved out of the home we rented together. We had been together for appx. 2 years prior to our break up. There has always been something between the two of us that makes it incredibly difficult for either of us to resist. Sex was good, intimacy was good...but there were always underlying problems that were hard for me to pinpoint within the relationship. At the start I began using depro provera birth control and experiencing dramatic mood swings and disorienting, irrational emotions, etc. Apparently this is a common side effect of depo. I ended up getting a second shot of depo before I realized that it was the source of my problems. The mood swings put a real strain on our relationship---and because of the second shot took up a little more than 6 months of our relationship. I ended up on the pill and got pregnant a few short months later. Again, we had to sort through lots of emotions and mood swings involved in the abortion I had. The next few months were great. We got along wonderfully---travelled lots, which we seem to do well together. It was a blissful time for us. Then, I started school again. Night school. So I was working forty hours, going to school 10 hours and using part of my weekends to get homework done. We could no longer travel or spend time together...at about this time he got a computer. He started learning how to make music on his computer. One night I got on it to check my email and discovered a page on internet explorer that he'd forgotten to close---a pornography site. I was totally bothered by it...so much in fact that I started to cry. He was very angered when he found out why I was upset and said that "he wasn't going to be made to feel guilty for doing something natural." I couldn't help it though...it, to me, explained why we didn't have a decent sex life anymore. He said that it was how he got through the times when I wasn't home. I began to stay at work longer---even during the summer when school wasn't in session. I would stay at work until 10 pm and even sometimes stay at work in the apartment we have in the building. I began chatting with men over the internet----not at all sexually or romantically, in actuality it was more like I formed sibling like relationship with some of the guys----save a couple that seemed to be interested in me romantically. I began to feel incredibly distant to my partner and decided that it was time to move out. I did so in Sept and told him that it was over---he seemed shocked by my decision. In fact, he became more distraught and upset over it than I've seen him over anything. Since the 'break-up' many things have happened---I've met a few other guys that I wasn't particularly impressed by, I sowed a few wild oats, and I've regained some independence I felt I'd lost in the relationship. BUT now we've begun 'seeing' one another again. I suppose the holidays (we both live far from our families) have created pressure for us to stay close to the ones we know the best in this city. Its been nice. The sex has reached the level it was in the first few months of our relationship, he's nicer, I'm enjoying my space, he's been more considerate, he's also vowed to give up the web porn (this was after a talk where he realized that the porn made me feel as terrible as the idea of me chatting with men on the internet).
My question is----do you think there is hope for this relationship. Do you think it would be a bad idea for us to get back together officially and if so do you think that we need counseling? Incidentally, I'm not sure if I could get him to go. He seemed very bothered by the subject in the beginning of our relationship but has recently expressed a more warm response to it lately.
If you think we should be together anymore can you give me some ideas for completely severing our ties? I can't seem to do this with him...which explains our reconciliation. He practically demands that I still have him around.
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Answer:
by Sandra L. Caron: ()
Do I think there is hope for this relationship? Yes - if you two are interested in making it work and can do that based on honesty and respect for one another - it sure seems reasonable. It sounds like the time you had apart from one another allowed you the distance you may have needed to figure out what is important, as well as what you need to do to make the relationship work. Again, if you are both interested in giving it your best shot, then it will be worth pursuing. Time will tell if it is worth hanging in there - or hanging it up. Clearly, you have a history together that has included some very hurtful and stressful issues - it will be important to make sure you have worked through some of these - rather than pretend they never happened. Perhaps meeting with a counselor together could be useful - or at least speanding some quality time together discussing your own thoughts and feelings about what has happened.
One concern I have relates to what you say at the end of your letter - where you suggest you would like to severe your ties with him but seem unable to do so. This is something you may want to explore with a counselor on your own. It would be good to look at what it is about him, and the relationship, that draws you to him. Sometimes that kind of insight can only happen when you discuss it with someone who is not involved (like a counselor). Best wishes!Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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