Answer:
by Seth Prosterman: (05/06/2004)
You have asked me to answer some fairly
straight forward questions that I will try to
answer. I will have to do some “reading between
the lines” and make some of assumptions to get at
some of the issues that concern you.
Your boyfriend has eroticized and been sexual with a
number of pre-operative male to female crossdressers.
Approximately, 50% of his partnered sexual encounters
have been with transgendered persons, and that
implies that these encounters are not random, and he
has actively sought out such contact. I am hesitant to
make definitive statements or jump to conclusions
about your boyfriend without knowing his sexual
history and development in greater detail.
With regard to reasons for the behavior, your
boyfriend states that relating to crossdressers was a
“safe” activity. Quick sex with little time for
intimate connection. Hopefully, he will be able to
develop a closer and more intimate relationship with
you.
People have diverse sexual fantasies and interests.
How he formed his erotic proclivities is difficult to say
without a proper sex history. I would want to question
his prison experiences to see if there are any clues
there.
If your boyfriend is able to enjoy sex with you, then I
would not be too concerned about his sexual
orientation. Eroticising crossdressers may have nothing
to with his sexual orientation, it may be a “safe” way
to express same-sex sexual feelings. If this is the case,
then he may be bisexual. A large percentage of the
population falls between totally straight and totally
gay.
You mentioned that he has slept with a couple
while in previous relationships. Does this mean that
he has slept with 2 crossdressers or was he sexual with
both members of a couple? I would suggest that you go
with his own self-definition, as long as his behavior
remains in sync.
I do not know if this behavior will just “go away” or
perpetuate itself. He may be able to manage the
behavior by expressing it through fantasy, rather than
in real life. The question is, can he give it up without
feeling angry or resentful? Perhaps, there may be ways
that you can incorporate roll play and fantasy into your
relationship to fulfill some of his desires for gender
bending play. Playing with sexual fantasies is fun and
will help keep your sexual relationship alive and
passionate over the long haul.
Seth Prosterman, Ph.D., MFT Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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