The stroke has changed your relationship and physical capabilities and your wife is probably dealing with her grief about this loss. The grieving process is one that may go through several stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance) and it takes time to deal with the emotional fallout. Furthermore, your stroke has undoubtedly reminded you both of your own mortality. Your wife may be experiencing the fear of potentially loosing you forever, and may have initially been doing some emotional distancing. It would be helpful to acknowledge and explore the issues of death and dying directly with her.

Her loss of sexual desire may partly be due to mythology about your stroke, in that, she may believe that putting "stress" on you during sex may cause another stroke (or heart attack). She may think you are more vulnerable and fragile and not want to hurt you. Again, a discussion that involves, factual information from your physician, as well as permission and reassurance about your ability to engage in sexual encounters would go a long way.

You do not state explicitly what your physical limitations are, but regardless of how "distorted" your mobility, there is always room to expand your sexual repertoire and even begin to reach your sexual potential. Growing your sexual relationship involves taking risks and learning to tolerate your own anxiety about discussing sexual topics and beginning to engage each other with some new sexual behaviors. Your attitude is extremely important in this regard. Try not to think about what you cannot do any longer, but what can you add to your sex life that would be exciting and push the edges of both of your envelopes.

The strides you make in the sexual area will help to increase the intimacy and passion you both feel for each other. Sharing fantasies, learning new oral sex techniques, keeping your eyes open during sex, increasing her orgasmic potential (i.e. G-spot exploration), reading erotic literature together, introducing vibrators/sex toys, exploring intercourse positions that are comfortable and novel, are but a few suggestions for creating greater eroticism in your lives. If there is a way to sleep together in the same bed (larger hospital bed) or in the same room, that would also help in the reconnection process. If this is not possible, intimate bedtime rituals may help to increase the closeness you are missing.

Current mythology not withstanding, we do not have the ability to truly reach our sexual potential until we are in our 40s, 50s, and older. This is when we begin to know ourselves well enough to bring more of whom we really are into our relationships and sexuality. Please consider reading (with your wife) an excellent book by David Schnarch, called "Passionate Marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in emotionally committed relationships." To find a certified sex therapist in your area, please go the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapist. I wish you well in your recovery and all the best on your journey to deepen the connection and passion in your relationship.

Seth Prosterman, Ph.D., MFT Clinical Sexologist & Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS