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Question:
Hello,
I have been experiencing difficulties in obtaining an erection following a couple of instances of what I identified at the time to be performance anxiety. The anxiety arose because I was with a girl that I really cared about. I have had one-off problems with this kind of thing with previous partners and it seemed almost lik a self-fulfilling prophecy that I would get performance anxiety with this girl. I have managed to slow things down with her and talk openly with her about my problem, and am confident that eventually I will overcome it. I visited a doctor who ruled out the possibility of a physicial cause. There are two things that I am concerned about. I was wondering if you could provide me with some reassurance:
1) When I masturbate, no matter how relaxed I feel, I have to touch and manipulate my penis to make it erect. I can't merely use fantasy or mild erotic images to do it. Could some residual anxiety be causing this masturbation problem as a secondary problem? I never noticed such a problem before these instances of performance anxiety. Is it normal for things to be this way? I worry that I may have to masturbate in my partner's presence as a way of becoming erect -- something that may be hurtful to her.
2)Before I met this girl I used to habitually use hardcore pornography. For a long time I was unhappy with this habit and felt guilty about it (principally because it often felt like a way of avoiding real intimacy and because I felt that it exploited women) and for the last two months I have abstained completely without much difficulty. I feel like I have normal sexual desires and fantasies and do not need these hardcore images to have a satisfactory sexual experience (I used it while maintaining satisfactory sexual relations with previous girlfriends). But is it possible that the pornography use has contributed on some deeper level to my erection problems?
Thankyou for taking the time to consider these questions. I suspect that neither of these problems that i have raised are problems at all, and that I just need to stop thinking and let these things take care of themselves. But I would be interested to hear what you think. Thanks.
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Answer:
by Gale Golden: (02/05/2006)
Hi: Sounds like a very anxiety provoking situation: not getting reliable erections when you want them. After reading your rather complex situation, I think it would be a good idea to consult with someone who knows the scoop about these issues and could help you sort through them with a good resolution for your problems. There is a fellow in your neighborhood whose name is Paul Gibney, PhD. He is in private practice and is a psychologist who specializes in sexual issues and is on the faculty of the local college where you live. Give him a call. I am sure he will be helpful. Good luck.
Editors note: No need to worry about stimulating yourself in the presence of a partner. Ideally, the sexual space shared between two people is comfortable enough to allow touching of self as well as touching of the other person. Talk to your girlfriend about this and tell her what's happening and that you want to incorporate some self-stimulation into your shared sexual experiences. Doing so may not only free you up, but will also free her up to do likewise, thereby increasing the comfort and pleasure possible for you both. Have fun and relax. You seem to be on the right road to working through these anxieties that have been interfering in your sexual life. Patty FawverReviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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