Answer:
by Cynthia Ruberg: (05/06/2004)
Thank you for the question. Women often reach their sexual
peaks in their forties, so maybe you are indeed there. However, even if
you are "there," that does not mean that you should suddenly start to
prefer intercourse over cuddling and kissing. Many people believe that
a woman's sexual focus changes to vaginal stimulation at maturity. But
this belief (started by Freud) is false! Women may become more
sexually responsive and/or be more interested in sex at their sexual
peak, but general sexual preferences usually do not radically change
over time.
Many women report (as you do) that they prefer kissing and cuddling
and other parts of "foreplay" to actual intercourse. This is not at all
unusual! (By the way, I do not even like to use the term foreplay
because it wrongly connotes that intercourse is the ultimate sexual
experience and the rest of the experience is just play!)
Kissing and
cuddling are as important as intercourse...especially for women! The
feelings of emotional intimacy and bonding, that come from kissing and
cuddling, are usually necessary to intimately connect with one's partner
and get turned on sensually and/or sexually. Intercourse provides the
perfect stimulation for men, but it doesn't "do it" for many women.
Women are capable of experiencing erotic sensations all over their
bodies, since they are not as genitally focused as most men.
I am finding it difficult to give you definitive answers to your question
because I am not sure what your issues really entail. I am assuming that
you prefer kissing and cuddling and also other aspects of foreplay. But
maybe not! Perhaps you are saying that you just like kissing and
cuddling and nothing else?
Here are some starting suggestions that
might be helpful in both situations.
1) If your preference is just for kissing and cuddling and you
experience little desire for sexual contact or have little sexual pleasure:
I suggest that you start by calling your gynecologist for a hormone
profile. For one thing, you may be low on the hormone testosterone
(which is often thought of as a male hormone but is also present in
women in smaller amounts), which fuels sexual desire. You may also
be low on your female hormones or have a hormone imbalance. If
these are issues for you, having your hormone levels adjusted could
greatly help your desire and/or sexual response.
I also don't know if
you are on medications or drugs or have any disease processes. Any
of these could potentially affect your sexual interest and expression in a
negative way.
You may also have experiences in your life-history and/or in your
relationship which could be causing you to back-off from sexual
contact and sexual pleasure. If these are valid issues for you, I suggest
that you also consider seeking help from a relationship and sex
therapist. This professional can help you (and your partner) work
through issues that may be impacting your ability to be a fully sexual
woman. Contact the American Association of Sexuality Educators,
Counselors, and Therapists for a list of therapists in your area.
2) Last but not least, if you do like other aspects of foreplay and can
become sexually aroused: I suggest that you first try to give up your
sexual "shoulds." This is the best way that I know to "adjust your mind
to help your body perform" no matter what your sexual/sensual tastes
are. These "shoulds" create sexual expectations that are hard to meet
and seem to be adding to your self-frustration and sexual
disillusionment. You probably would begin to feel more content if you
would accept how your body works and take what ever pleasure it
provides you, any way you can get it. That, at least, would be a good
place to start if you choose to further explore your sexual potential. If
you want to know more about female sexuality, I also suggest that you
purchase the book For Yourself, by Lonnie Barbach, Ph D.
Sincerely,
Cynthia Lief Ruberg, MS Ed, LPCC, FAACS Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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