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Question:
I'm a sexually active 25 year old male from Canada. About a year and a half ago i picked up a girl at a bar in Los Angeles and brought her back to my hotel room. I was pretty drunk and had trouble obtaining and/or sustaining an erection. After about 30 minutes to an hour we did manage to have intercourse, however the even was particularly puzzling and disturbing for me since that had never happened to me before.
Over the next year, I successfully had intercourse with two partners with no problems. The next girl however, had a problem getting comfortable as i penetrated and asked me to hold still for a moment. For a split second I felt my erection begin to subside and that was it (this occurred about 5 months ago). I could not get it back (i think the evening in los angeles was lingering in the back of my mind) and was terribly disturbed by the entire situation. The same thing happened the next time we were together. Eventually, I got over it and maintained my erection but sex was not nearly as exciting as it had been in the past because of my lingering fears. We broke up a couple months later.
Recently, the event has reoccurred with a new girl who i have strong feelings for and is incredibly attractive. I explained to her my take on the predicament (she was pretty understanding) but fear that if this keeps happening she may lose interest. I do not want this situation to get worse and hope that this self-perpetuating cycle will cease immediately before it gets out of hand. How do i stop it?
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Answer:
by Robert Birch: (06/04/2004)
You have correctly identified the source of your erectile failures. It is your fear of failure that is precipitating the fairlures and, as you have identified, that can become a vicious cycle. The more you worry, the more you fail, and the more you worry.
Performance anxiety has the ability to prevent the achieving of an erection, and even to wipe out an erection already gained. Just as soon as a man focuses on his penis and begins worrying about how he is going to do, he is setting himself up to fail.
This might sound silly, but it is true: Men lose erections because they believe that they've got to make penetration, and so then monitor the firmness of their penis. You have got to keep your head out of your penis!
There is a lot of pressure in a one-night-stand, and men with performance anxiety do not do well in such situations. You will do best when you are with a woman who loves to play and who is not expecting an immediate rock hard erection. You need to learn to focus on the pleasure of touching and being touched. You need to focus on the qualities of your partner's body, not on the readiness of your penis. If you can learn to stop monitoring your own arousal, you will find that your penis will take care of itself!
Try to relax and have fun. You've been working too hard and worrying way too much.
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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