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Question:
Ever since I can remember, I have masturbated twice a week or so. Probably from the age of 5 (and I am now 19). But I don't use my hand or any small objects (because it really isn't intense enough). The only way I get adequate pleasure is from pushing my clitoris against the
corner of a chair or the toilet. My first concern is, since I have found this to be so effective, how come I have never, ever heard of anyone else doing it that way?
My second concern is, that this has been so
effective, now that I am married I really don't feel much sexual pleasure from intercourse. I can orgasm if I am on top and push really hard,
basically reproducing my masturbation techniques. But have I ruined myself for normal sexual enjoyment? Can I "undo" it? I understand that there probably aren't too many people with this problem (if there are, they sure are quiet about it), so I'll understand if you don't respond.
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Answer:
by Cynthia Ruberg: ()
Thanks for the good question and I will try to put you mind to rest with my response. I will address your first concern first: The reason you have not heard of women masturbating the same way you do is not because your behavior is so odd or unusual. It is because most women do not talk about their masturbatory habits. Many women will not even admit to masturbating "the usual way" (with hands), let alone admit to other
ways of "getting off." However, in my experience as a sex counselor, I can assure you that I have spoken personally to women who have learned to masturbate by your method (or similar methods) and who continue to do so because it feels good and it works for them. In essence, they do "whatever works" and that is okay. Many women,
like yourself, require intense clitoral pressure to reach orgasm. A light touch just won't work! The only thing that is not okay is to worry
about being "abnormal" just because you think your habits or techniques are different than most. Perhaps you need to start thinking
of yourself simply as being more creative than other women. Actually, women are generally quite creative with masturbation and usually win hands down (or with no hands) over men in the area of
creativity! The following are some of the more "inventive" methods that I have heard from women over the years in my clinical practice:
Rubbing one's clitoris on the side of a book; humping a pillow or a partner's leg; sliding down a banister, a pole or a rope; using vibrators of many types and shapes; using a shower massage or water pik or just aiming a steady steam of water from the tub faucet on to the clitoris; holding a vibrating electric razor on the genitals; using a vacuum cleaner (carefully), etc.! Of course, many women just use their hands and that is okay too, although it is the least creative ;-)
Now for your second concern: The reason you don't feel much pleasure from intercourse is not because you have "ruined" yourself from your old masturbatory practices. It is simply because, like most women, your vagina is not as sensitive as your clitoris. Additionally, you apparently also need additional strong clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm during intercourse.
In case you didn't notice when reading the previous list of masturbatory techniques, most women masturbate by rubbing their clitoris in some way, not by rubbing inside their vagina. This is because stimulating the clitoris is generally the most effective way to reach orgasm. Also, most women cannot orgasm by vaginal stimulation alone and require additional clitoral stimulation. You are not alone! It is good that you have learned (by trial and error) to orgasm by pushing down on your husband in the way that works best for you. You are ahead of many women who don't know what they like or
need in order to reach orgasm. However, I suggest that you also try other methods of stimulation that may also work well for you.
For starters, you might consider buying a small vibrator that you can "wedge" between your bodies so that you can get sufficient stimulation
without having to work so hard at pushing your clitoris against your husband. Of course, when using a vibrator, you need to hold the vibrator on your clitoris yourself! If you are interested in exploring this option, go to evesgarden.com or libida.com to view some sex toys that may help you out. You will need to be creative (not a problem for you) and open minded. I often suggest the "pocket rocket" vibrator for starters because it is relatively inexpensive and tiny, thus easy to use with a partner. I also
suggest you purchase the book, For Each Other, by Lonnie Barbach. In a few months, you may also be able to buy my new book (written with Robert W. Birch), Pathways to Pleasure: A Women's Guide to Orgasm. I hope our book will help you find your own "pathways to pleasure," better orgasms, and to inner peace.
You have not ruined yourself for normal sexual enjoyment! Your sexual enjoyment is already normal and not a problem unless you make it one.
Best wishes and have fun.
Sincerely,
Cynthia Lief Ruberg, LPCC, FAACS
Reviewed by: Patricia Fawver Ph.D. in Sexology
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