First, it would be best (for you and for her) to give up the notion that you are responsible for your girl friend's orgasm or lack of orgasm. You probably know this, but I will tell you anyway: She is the one who is responsible for her sexual response, not you. Your job is just to facilitate the process.

Second, if she isn't able to orgasm despite your time and valiant efforts to help her along, you need to remember to not pressure her to keep trying. Some women feel quite satisfied without having an orgasm and men need to recognize and accept this fact. Pressuring a woman to reach orgasm may only make matters worse (for her) because it may cause her to worry about not orgasming. If this happens, she is not likely to orgasm because she is "in her head" (worrying about her sexual response), rather than feeling the sensations she needs to feel in order to reach orgasm. It may make matters worse for you too, because your frustration at "not giving her an orgasm" is bound to rub off on her (not the way you would like), perhaps causing her to get angry at you or even start to avoid sex totally.

Third, you may have to accept the fact that your girlfriend may be one of the minority of women who will never orgasm for various reasons. Some women have difficulty giving up the necessary control needed to reach orgasm. Other women are so sexually inhibited that they censor their sexual responses and/or never sufficiently learn about their bodies so that they can reach orgasm. However, it is more likely that your girlfriend can eventually learn to orgasm given the right circumstances (feeling safe and secure) and having proper sexual knowledge.

Fourth, you are right about not telling your girlfriend to masturbate--this is a "sticky" subject! However, you might suggest that she read a book that will help her to start to learn about her body and teach her to take charge of her own sexual responses. The book I am recommending is For Yourself, by Lonnie Barbach, PhD. It can be ordered through www.amazon.com. I will also have a book on this subject that will be out early in the new year called, Pathways to Pleasure: A Woman's Guide to Orgasm. Later on, if she is comfortable with the idea and still having difficulty, a vibrator may be helpful for her to reach orgasm. Sex aids, such as vibrators, can be purchased at www.evesgardern.com and www.libida.com

Fifth and finally, all this is her choice. It is okay is she becomes orgasmic and okay if she does not. I hope I have conveyed this message to you and that you can convey this to her. Orgasms are great--like icing on a cake. But one can still enjoy the cake without the icing.

Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS