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Question:
Hello:

I am 54 years old and my wife just turned 49. We have been married for 24 years and have 2 boys 20 and 9 yrs old. We are both professionals, I am an engineer turned businessman and my wife is a Physician. We had an arranged marriage in India so we did not really know each other very well before marriage. This marriage was not forced on us but was strongly recommended by both families. We each have lived in the US for 30 years and 24 years.

We have had a formal married life for most of these 24 years. We have not had any partners outside of marriage and I was my wife's first and only even though I had a very brief relationship prior to meeting my wife.

I have grown to love my wife quite a lot. I have never felt loved by my wife. In the last 4 years she has refused to sleep with me and chooses to sleep with my younger son instead. We slept as a threesome prior to this just as we had done with my older son at her insistence.

Lately our disagreements on very minor matters have been heart wrenching for both of us and this has affected our mental health. It takes about 7 days for my wife to be civil to me after these fights I warm up after 1 day generally.

I think that I am constantly walking on egg shells. Our sex life is very distant. We have sex once every 2 or 3 months. To me it seems forced on her part. I would like to have sex once a week. She takes joy in telling me that she does not need it so it is my problem.

Nowadays if I even mention sex she gets extremely upset and tells me that I spoilt the good relationship that was building between us and now it will take her another 3 days to get over this mental trauma.

I do not know what to do. I love her and want this relationship to work for our sake and our childrens sake BUT I am ready for a divorce. What should I do?

PS She hates lip kisses.

Answer:
by Raven James: (11/14/2005)
It sounds to me as if you are very torn over this issue and unsure of what to do next. Ending a marriage relationship is also a very difficult process. It seems as if your wife may be using your son as a surrogate partner to replace you with regard to companionship needs. It is not healthy for the marriage for her to sleep with your son (it is assumed you mean non-sexually), and use him to keep you at a distance. I would have to wonder about some of your conversations with your wife and the marriage therapist, were both of you able to discuss some of the issues and hear each others concerns? Also, are you able to have discussions with your wife regarding the next step? Have you discussed ending the marriage with her? Sometimes, people choose to live apart from each other to get some distance from the stress of everyday living before making decisions. This can allow you, and your wife, to get some perspective on how it feels to be without each other. It may be helpful for you to seek individual therapy in order to help you sort out your priorities, feelings and confusion. You could also seek individual therapy while still living with your family.

If your wife does not want to be a part of the process, at least you can try to gain some clarity for yourself in making a decision you feel more comfortable with. Some couples do individual therapy for awhile, than come together to talk as a couple when they have both sorted out issues without the stress of the other person being there. At any rate, taking a break from each other to some degree can be one part of figuring it all out. And getting professional guidance can be a very powerful tool in helping you find some peace and resolution with time, patience and hard work. I hope this advice is helpful for you and please write back if there are any other questions we can help you with in the process. Good luck and hang in there. Signed, Raven James

Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS

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