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Question:
I was just wondering if it is normal to not want to have sex all the
time. My boyfriend says that I should be entering my sexual peak. I
never disliked intercourse but have not really needed it. He says that
I'm not enough in love with him since he thinks that I'm not turned on
by him. I just don't want it every morning, noon and night. It seems like
he is always asking and that seems to turn me off even more. There are
times that I want to but I don't ever get the chance to make the move.
Is there something wrong with me????????
I'm finally with a guy that I'm truly in love with and afraid that my not
wanting to make love all the time will turn him away.
I'm not sure. I don't know if my hormones are weird.
I tried to be interested more but he gets frustrated when I can't have
more than one orgasm (if I have one)
My boyfriend says that I'm the only girl he knows that is not interested
in sex. He thinks I should be turned on just by thinking about him and
not having to try and get me going.
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Answer:
by Cynthia Ruberg: ()
It sounds like your boyfriend is telling you myth information
(misinformation) about female sexuality and you are believing him. As a
consequence, you are feeling pressured (by him) and sexually
"broken." Let me dispel some of these myths and "shoulds" and, I
hope, put your mind (and body) to rest:
To answer your first question in a nut shell---YES IT IS NORMAL
TO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX ALL THE TIME. Most women
do not feel sexually aroused all the time, hence, do not wish to have
sex all the time. It sounds like your boyfriend is doing what I call
"erection projection." In other words, he is projecting his male
"horniness" on to you by telling you that you should feel constantly
horny too. Don't be taken in by this myth information. There are no
standards for sexual desire and there are also no shoulds. If you don't
want to have sex all of the time, that is normal and right for you!
However, biologically speaking, many women (not on the pill) report
feeling sexual stirrings two times during the month. These peaks of
sexual interest usually correspond with the time of ovulation (when the
egg is released every month from the ovary) and the time just prior to
menstruation. However, these times of sexual interest are not absolute
and vary with each person. Some women feel no peaks of interest and,
as I said, that is okay too.
To answer your second question: Your boyfriend is wrong about the
age of your sexual peak. Women typically do not enter their sexual
peak in your age group of 20-29. Most women reach their sexual
peak in the forties. At your age you probably are still evolving sexually
and climbing up toward your peak.
It is also "normal" for many women to not need or prefer sexual
intercourse. Many women derive more sexual satisfaction out of
foreplay and can orgasm more easily with the petting and caressing that
comes before (or after) intercourse. Being in love with your boyfriend
has little to do with your ability to get turned on by intercourse. Maybe
if your boyfriend didn't pressure you so much to have sex (I guess you
mean intercourse), you would have much more opportunity to get
turned on by him or even without him. Your boyfriend needs to learn
that pressuring women usually turns them off sexually, rather than on.
He also needs to learn that the best way to get a women interested in
making love, is to connect at the heart before connecting at the
genitals. Connecting at the heart means listening to your needs and not
giving in to his. It also means not pressuring you to have sex all the time
and not making you feel bad about yourself and sexually deficient
because you are not as interested in sex as he. Nothing is wrong with
you. You just have different sexual needs from your boyfriend. You
need to work out a compromise that is fair and suits both of you.
Best wishes,
Cynthia Lief Ruberg, LPCC, FAACSReviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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