Answer:
by Raven James: (10/09/2007)
First of all, don’t ever give up on sex or African American women. Anyone can have a negative attitude toward disability, and unfortunately, it can seem more like the norm than not. It may seem difficult for you not to stereotype African American women based on your past experiences, but it doesn’t mean that every African American woman has the same views and attitudes that you have encountered. Every person is an individual, and one area that is crucial to explore and feel comfortable with is communication. Being able to express your fears or feelings is an important aspect of a relationship. Some people are able to perceive sexuality and sexual pleasure as not merely “penis to vagina” intercourse. If a woman has the expectation that this type of sex is the be all/end all, and an expectation of how they should be satisfied that you cannot fulfill together, than that may be the type of information you want to explore before either of you become involved sexually and disappoint one another. Given the information you have provided, I can suggest increasing communication and be as upfront about what you can or cannot do in sexual encounters. It can be difficult enough to express yourself sexually, and often, talking about it can be even harder. If your communication ability is limited by your condition, try to find ways that you can communicate. Often, a person’s expectations can set them up for disappointment (yours or hers) if they are not clear from the start. This can allow you at least the opportunity to be upfront and make decisions based on this communication. Sometimes, people with disabilities are frustrated and angry with regard to self-image and sexuality and will shield themselves from intimacy and relationships - like a block to keep themselves from becoming disappointed. If this applies, you may want to explore ways to try to keep those channels open to possibilities. Our beliefs often will dictate outcomes, for example, if I believe it will never happen, it doesn’t, because at an unconscious level I block myself from the opportunities and behaviors that could make it happen. The possibility of establishing intimacy with others exists only if one remains open toward them. This may or may not apply to you. The following link is a simple booklet on sexuality for people with cerebral palsy. Perhaps you can find some ideas to think about on this sexual journey. Many times, negative attitudes toward disability are embedded in our culture, but don’t assume that every potential partner holds those beliefs. If you have any further questions, please write back, and hang in there!
http://www.ofcp.on.ca/newbooks.html
Reviewed by: Kathleen VanKirk DHS
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