Question:
Dear Mitch,
I'm 31, reasonably fit, with no illness/disability or medication. I'm a non smoker and very light drinker. I suffer from taking too long to orgasm with a partner.
My first sexual experience was when I was 17, and I went at it like
crazy with youthful excitement for over an hour and just stopped when I was
exhausted. I hadn't come via masturbation before that. I'd tried soaped
up in the shower, etc., but I gave up after a while because there were no results.
With my first girlfriend, I started to discover my 'triggers', i.e. the things I knew would set me off. One position - the girl on her back with her legs over my shoulders or in the
air - seemed to give me the pressure/friction I needed. I could come within a minute after being in this position, even though I could do as much as an hour in others.
I'm seeing a new woman, and I want her to know how much she turns me on without having to do the contortionist/gymnastics thing. I just want to lose myself in the passion
and love, and forget the mechanics.
I can come now within 10 minutes manually because I've learned my 'triggers'. I
need lots of lube, and a firm grip, and 'visual stimulation'. Any hints? Any books on this topic? Most just give a paragraph saying, "It's in your mind" for us slow guys.
*smile*
M.
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Answer:
by Mitchell Tepper: (05/29/2004)
Dear M.,
That is so true. There are not any good resources or videos in this area. I think you will
really need to talk to a certified sex therapists about this situation. I'm an educator not a therapist. I think they will want to explore two issues with you. Sex as a performance to please your partner and the need to ejaculate to affirm you excitement.
If you want to lose yourself in the passion and love, and forget the mechanics you have to forget about ejaculation being the goal of the experience. Slow down enough to focus on
the sensations and on your partner's pleasure. Let your own excitement build naturally. Be willing to accept a good time without ejaculation.
When you do masturbate, switch hands. This will through off your learned response and give you an opportunity to just focus on the pleasure. Do this without the goal of ejaculating. I understand your wish for the someone special in your life, to "just want her to know that she makes me feel sooo wonderful that you can't hold back." It is a very romantic fantasy but doesn't always work that way in real life. If she makes you feel so wonderful, telling her that may be a more powerful statement than ejaculating quickly!
Certainly more reliable :). So many people underestimate the power of words and sharing honest feelings as a precursor to great sex.
If you cannot find a sex therapist in your area, let me know. I will investigate the possibility of providing a sex therapist to you via e-mail or chat for an hourly rate.
Best wishes,
Mitch Tepper, The Sexual Health Network
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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