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Question:
I have been dating my girlfriend now for over a year now and we both need an answer to a pressing concern. I have an extremely high sex drive, bordering on compulsive and I react negatively when my partner rejects sex. We both love each other, but she does not enjoy sexual intercourse. I guess the problem is twofold although perhaps interrelated:
1) Why does my girlfriend have such a low desire for sexual intercourse (she could do without it completely)?
2) Why can't she reach orgasm through intercourse (she claims to have no feeling inside her virgina)?
She can reach orgasm through oral sex, but she complains that this leaves her feeling frustrated. I am well endowed and I don't have a problem with intimacy or sexual stamina. What is the problem here? Please help if you can, or forward my question to your other experts. I appreciate your help.
Sincerely,
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Answer:
by Annette Owens: (06/28/2004)
Thank you for contacting The Sexual Health Network, www.SexualHealth.com. You two would probably benefit from seeing a sex therapist, since each of you are having your own issues, which you can work on individually as well as having couple issues. I can recommend contacting The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) at www.aasect.org in order to find a sex therapist in your area.
Your situation is very complex, and I can only go into some of your issues here. Let me start with your second question about your girlfriend not being able to reach orgasm through intercourse. This is very normal, and I can recommend for both of you to read "20 Helpful Hints to Reach Orgasm" http://www.sexualhealth.com/fullstory.cfm?ID=16 by Cynthia Lief Ruberg. Look for the link on the right side of this page or go to our Orgasm channel listed on the left. A book, which I can recommend is "The Clitoral Truth" by Rebecca Chalker, ISBN: 1-58322-038-0. It has some very good illustrations and you both may be surprised to find out that the clitoris is not only a tiny organ but that most of the clitoral organ is hidden. Although invisible, these parts are still subject to penile, manual or other type of stimulation. Once you see these illustrations you may be encouraged to start exploring different sexual positions in order to try to stimulate parts of your girlfriend's clitoral organ in new ways. Have you tried the superior position, where she is sitting on top of you and facing you? For some women it is easier to reach orgasm in this position. I would suggest that you experiment with different positions. But the most important thing is that your girlfriend needs to become comfortable with her own genitals. The reason that she "does not have any sensation in her vagina" may be that she is not allowing herself to feel pleasure. This again may be related to a number of factors, including her up bringing, her self-esteem, and feeling pressure to perform from you. The last point brings me to my final comment.
You mentioned that you have an extremely high sex drive, bordering on compulsiveness and that you react negatively when your partner rejects sex. This is something you need to try to work on. It is easy to see why your partner may not enjoy sexual contact as much, if so much pressure is coming from your side. Please go to our Sexual Addiction/Compulsion channel listed on the left on our website for more information. You both love each other, and this is an important starting point. A sex therapist may be able to help you grow individually and together as a couple and reach a mutual understanding and level of co-operation. If you are having a hard time locating a sex therapist, try a couple's counselor.
Sincerely,
Annette Owens, MD PhD
Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team
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