print this page Question: What Is a Sexual Surrogate?

Answer: by Mitchell Tepper: (05/16/2004) A sexual surrogate or surrogate partner is a person, most often but not always a woman, who works with clients to overcome sexual dysfunction and enhance relationships. The goals range from relieving anxiety around intimacy or dating to addressing specific concerns such as virginity, erection response, ejaculation timing, painful intercourse, inhibited desire or negative body image. Or the surrogate may try to facilitate more pleasure or overcome negative responses based on past traumatic experiences. For anyone who has experienced changes resulting from a disability and does not have a partner to work with, the surrogate can help explore and develop sexual potential. Surrogates are not the solution merely for someone who cannot find a date--the goal of the relationship is to establish self-esteem through honest interactions and build confidence through hands-on practice. Surrogate partners differ from prostitutes in that they are professionally trained and work in a therapeutic situation comprised of client, surrogate and licensed supervising therapist. A surrogate usually feeds information back to both the client and therapist. Together surrogate, client and therapist work in a sort of therapeutic love triangle. Some surrogates, like Stephanie Wadell of Standpoint, Ida., provide counseling or additional services depending on the agreement with the supervising therapist. Stephanie has a master¹s degree in counseling psychology and is also a certified massage therapist. She says she is first an educator, second a facilitator, then a practice partner who acts as a 'mirror' for her clients. She operates by a professional code of ethics, and is a member of the International Professional Surrogate Association and Bay Area Surrogate Association of Northern California (BASA). The three-way relationship is usually terminated by mutual agreement among the client, surrogate and therapist. Surrogates are responsible for preventing the transmission of communicable diseases and conception. Sound good? Finding a surrogate partner may be difficult if you don¹t live in California, Florida, New York or Pennsylvania. Convincing your insurance company to cover this service may be even harder. --Mitch Tepper Coaches vs. Surrogates A note about sexual coaching and surrogate partner therapy: Sexual coaching services are for people who want to enhance their sexual expression, want to learn how to be great lovers, want ³hot monogamy,² or want to use sexual expression as a path for spiritual awakening. Couples or individuals generally consult with a sex coach to work on learning how to feel comfortable with their own sexuality, love their bodies and get emotionally and psychologically fit to enter a truly intimate relationship and keep the passion turned on. Sexual coaching, in short, is for anyone who believes sex is a necessary part of being a healthy human being. Surrogate partner therapy is more intense. A qualified therapist, a surrogate partner and a client meet to work on resolving any difficulties the client experiences with physical or emotional intimacy. Therapeutic exercises may include work in relaxation, effective communication, social skills and sensual and sexual touching. Each program is designed to increase the client¹s knowledge, skills and comfort for developing healthy, intimate relationships. Sadly, therapeutic environments do not always support sexual surrogacy or coaching. People who live in independent living centers or assisted living situations, in particular, are likely to encounter resistance from staff who are not prepared to see their residents developing sexual relationships under within the institution. It is not uncommon for surrogates or coaches to encounter extremely rigid attitudes and outright refusal to cooperate. I believe every person, regardless of disability, has a right to sexual expression and access to coaching services and surrogate partner therapy if needed. The time is now for sexual advocacy, for ourselves and for each other. --Lizzi McNeff Reviewed by Sexual Health Editorial Team

This question appears in the following topics:

• Disability and Illness: Rediscovering Sex After Disability/Illness/Trauma
  
  
• Sexuality Education: Sexual Health Advocacy
  
  
• Sexual Health Resources: Sexual Education, Counseling, and Therapy