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Jealousy: When is a Little Normal and Alot Unhealthy?
(03/30/2005) by Kathleen VanKirk
You’re at a party sipping a cocktail and enjoying one of your friend’s stories. You feel confident and good in a new outfit you just bought for the occasion. In fact, your partner just got done telling you how hot you looked in the car on the way there. Then you realize, hey wait where is my partner? You scan the party and see them off in a corner, laughing and flirting. She puts her hand on his arm as he leans in closer to tell her what is probably a punch line. And then it happens...your usually calm exterior begins to boil with rage. You become a different person as you imagine the two of them having sex behind your back. No one (you think) gets away with treating you like this. You proceed to walk over and make a scene as you grab your partner’s arm and take him outside to give him a piece of your mind...
No matter how attractive and intelligent you might be, or however long you’ve been in your relationship, jealousy has probably come up. What purpose does it serve? Is it warranted at times or is it always destructive? Most of us don’t think about jealousy, we just feel it. jealousy can be considered “normal” by the sheer fact that we all experience it. It’s part of the human condition. How much is really acceptable?
Jealousy, as defined by Dictionary.com, is a feeling of envy (especially of a rival). Ultimately, it is the feeling of being threatened. Therefore, jealousy is a secondary emotion to the primary emotion of fear. If you pay attention to that little tape that runs in your head in a moment like the one mentioned above, you’ll often hear it whispering statements like, “I’m afraid to lose my partner and be alone,” “I’m afraid they will make me look like a fool,” “I’m afraid to be rejected,” and so on. Many people also fear the lack of control they have over the situation.
jealousy is natural and often bubbles up out of your partner’s physical and emotional connections to other people – it’s bound to happen if you’re in a long-term relationship. What’s more important is how you and your partner handle the underlying fear. Can you discuss it? What are the unspoken boundaries in your relationship? jealousy lives covertly below the surface of most relationships until something triggers it, leaving one partner to suffer in silence or causing an all out war. Most people want to pretend that attraction to others doesn’t exist. But perhaps if we all could feel a sense of fulfillment in ourselves and open the path of communication to our partner there wouldn’t be fear in the first place.
Many become reliant upon jealousy to indicate the worth of their relationship. “Well, if she’s not jealous that means she must not love me.” This hints that jealousy is such an accepted emotion in the relationship that the lack of it means there is something wrong, indicating an unhealthy insecurity. jealousy often becomes a theme, especially if their partner begins to have interests (even non-romantic ones) outside of the relationship. They feel uncomfortable, abandoned and unloved.
Some believe that without jealousy that there would be no passion. For them jealousy equals drama which equals passion. If you’re in a coupled relationship and you both have this same belief system this may work for you. However, if one person subscribes to this pattern and the other does not, you can have a lot of ups and downs unless you are both conscious of this dynamic.
My clients sometimes ask me, “Doesn’t jealousy warn me that my partner is cheating?” My answer is yes and no. Yes, if jealousy isn’t a theme in your everyday life. jealousy can be a way for your intuition to get your attention. It’s that sinking feeling that may not seem rational but keeps nagging you. In this case jealousy can be a signpost. However, if you’re constantly unable to trust your partner then it might be less of a signpost about your relationship and more of a sign that you’re insecure. jealousy in this way can destroy a perfectly good relationship.
jealousy is common in relationships but it’s not required. We can release ourselves from the pain of jealousy by learning to trust ourselves and not focus on the behaviors of others. Being secure in yourself and knowing what you have to offer can combat jealousy. You can learn to address the issue when it does arise by being conscious of your triggers, examining why it might be coming up, and then choosing a time to discuss it with your partner. Look at what role jealousy plays in your relationship. This way you will be able to decipher when jealousy is warranted. And by all means learn to discuss sensitive topics like this in a calm, conducive environment. Having a loud fight at a party doesn’t accomplish anything but providing entertainment for the other guests.
We all live in a world of a false sense of security. Many of us secretly believe that we have full control of our lives. We’re too fearful to fully embrace the fact that all security is a fallacy – that relationships and people change. Your patterns of attraction and sexual desires may ebb and flow. And really no matter what someone says or does, ultimately they can (and will) do whatever they want. You can either choose to live in constant fear of that fact or you can use it to more fully appreciate everything you have in the present moment. Use jealousy as an opportunity for you to deepen your relationship and for you both to explore yourselves...use it wisely.
By Kathleen Van Kirk, D.H.S., M.A.
Women's Sexuality, Relationship Issues, Erotology, Tantra, Sexual Health and Products.
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