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Sexual Healing After Abuse(08/23/2008) by Petra Zebroff Do you ... avoid sexual contact -- turn off inside and “go through the motions” when your partner approaches you with that hedonistic grin? Or, do you need sexual attention in order to feel worthy? These are some of the automatic reactions the body and mind can use to combat the effects of past (or present) sexual abuse. Although such reactions seem counterproductive to healthy sexuality, they have developed for a very good reason -- to protect the victim from further harm. Alas, as the victim grows up, the same emotions and behaviors can linger into adulthood. The effects of abuse on our adult sex lives are as individual as people are. They depend on the personality of the person who was abused, what type of abuse they experienced, whether physical trauma or emotional abuse was involved, and how old the person was, and so on. Yet, one thing that remains a constant is that abuse always involves some sort of misuse of power. And, an absence of power also leads many victims to feel they are not in control of sexual situations as adults. A feeling of “safety” has been compromised. This lack, combined with a feeling of powerlessness, can cause many abuse victims to stop the sexual contact, leave the body, or go on “automatic”. Since approximately 30% of all women and men have experienced some form of sexual abuse in their past, it is likely that most people have had some sort of contact with abuse, whether directly from childhood, or through a partner who has been abused. Up until now, very little help has been available to abuse-victims, or their partners. Finally, someone is tackling this subject. In a new book released by Staci Haines, the expert of sex after abuse, she outlines a process that deals with sex after abuse head-on. Staci emphasizes that the body holds abuse memories, even if we are consciously unaware of those memories. It reacts automatically to protect itself by withdrawing or becoming defensive or numb. Healing Sex In a warm and non-threatening way, Staci outlines a step-by-step “healing process” to relearn how to be present in the body and still feel safe and in control of sexual situations. By actively involving a group -- some of whose members have been abused (very convincing actors), she helps the reader to learn through the experiences of different couples – one or both having been abuse victims. They are brought through six stages of a “healing process” to stay present in their bodies, while they experience the pleasure of the body and the connection with their partner. The Six Stages of the Healing Process: 1. Safety – is practicing “safe sex” and relearning boundaries -- the first steps in protecting the self. Knowing when you want to say “yes”, as well as feeling okay about saying “no, is key. 2. Embodiment –is learning to “be” in the body and accepting that it is a safe place. You will be shown how to bring your attention to your sensations through associating positive physical actions with “feeling” your body more (i.e. running, masturbation, exercise, yoga, dance). You will also find out how you can learn to feel pleasure while also feeling “safe”, through self-pleasuring. 3. Healing through the body – is the most daunting step as it involves working through the trauma. Staci stresses the importance of not ignoring, but rather of remembering and working past the abuse through touching and breathing exercises. Get to know what “triggers” the memory of abuse and learn “a trigger plan” to deal with those memories. 4. Connections – is learning how to see your partner as “safe” and not as a perpetrator. You are encouraged to look where your partner is at, and to stay in touch with him/her, while you keep communicating what you need. 5. Sexual Wholeness - is identifying where you learned about sex and what you learned about sex. Understanding your biases and educating yourself on positive sexuality is essential. 6. Practicing Wellness – is understanding that this is a process, and that you should keep in touch with the three elements of a healthy sexuality: * Self-pleasuring * Self-discovery * Dedicating time to yourself and your partner This book is sensitive, inviting and non-threatening, while demonstrating how our unhealthy patterns around sexuality can be turned around – not only to offer pleasure to the body, but also to make a greater connection with a partner. Source: www.libida.com This article appears in the following topics: |
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