|
Wendy Maltz - Q & A by By Wendy Maltz, MSW
Q: I'm 21 year old, and I've been in a committed
relationship for a year and a half. We are having problems
sexually, and I can't explain to him why I act the way I do.
We're both confused and frustrated. I noticed shortly
before we began dating that I felt differently about sex in
general -- uncomfortable with it, seeing it as being used,
so I wouldn't really instigate it. Then, I began to have no
desire, to see sex as a chore or favor to him, and now I
try to avoid it. I'm uncomfortable with being touched on
sexual areas. I jump at it and feel uneasy. The only way I
can have sex without grimacing/hating it is to use a
certain tool to relax and enjoy it and/or concentrate on
thoughts of anonymous sexual situations I would otherwise
find disgusting. I feel my body is being damaged or
mistreated or that I will get vaginal infections. When I
think about sex away from him, which is rare, it is with
some disgust. I wish he would just touch me on my back
and face and other comfort areas instead of trying to
touch other places like he wants.
When I read your symptoms for sexual abuse survivors, I
cried because it described me. The only thing is, I don't
know if I was sexually abused. Are there different kinds of
sexual abuse than rape? The most traumatic experience I
(not fully) recall is a night in high school, probably the
most incoherent night of my life, where I feel now that I
was very much taken advantage of in the worst way by 1
or 2 people. Right after that night I felt only fear and
terrible shame for a long time for what I'd ended up doing.
I'm not sure how I even got into a bed at one time, but I
would NEVER have chosen to do those things. It took me
nearly two and a half years to talk about and get an HIV
test. I certainly tormented over this, often daily, for a
long time, and I wondered if this might be the cause of my
disgust/avoidance of sex. Also, can sex with very little
lubrication cause vaginal irritation/infections? Please help
-- I'm confused.
A:It does sound as though you are suffering from sexual
symptoms of past sexual abuse. Rape is only one type of
sexual abuse. And rape can be orally, anally or vaginally.
Molestation, oral sex, fondling, even watching someone
else be abused or having to pose for pornography are all
types of abuse. The experience you describe might have
been "acquaintance rape or molestation." In my book, The
Sexual Healing Journey, I go into detail about the different
forms of sexual abuse, how to determine if you were
sexually abused, and the steps to sexual recovery. Having
sex with your boyfriend now, when you don't want to and
when it feels abusive to you, is not a good idea. I
recommend you talk with a therapist or a counselor at you
local rape crisis center to begin processing what happened
to you in high school. You are not alone and the type of
reactions you are having are normal for the history you
describe. Until you get help and support, this may not be
the best time in your life to be involved in a sexual
relationship. You don't want to do things that reinforce a
negative view of men and sex. Disgust is not an emotion
that you can side step. It's a signal that something doesn't
feel right and needs to be addressed. In answer to your
specific question about lubrication and infections: a lack of
lubrication often results in a feeling of dryness or a burning
sensation. Irritation to the vaginal walls can make them
more susceptible to infections. Check with your doctor. It's
best to get tested and treated for vaginal infections as
soon as you think you may have one. Some infections can
indicate sexually transmitted diseases, and some sexually
transmitted diseases can cause infertility and other serious
problems if left untreated. This article appears in the following topics:
|
