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Sexual Expectations: Realistic or Not
(05/04/2004) by Ellen Rapp
Whether you are involved with someone new or married for 50 years to the same person, you and your partner each bring to the union a set of sexual expectations.
"To expect," as defined by Webster’s, means "to consider reasonable, due or necessary." Expectations are our beliefs about how things ought to be. Certain sexual expectations are near-universal: To use a very basic example, most of us expect to have sexual relations with the person we marry.
But a couple’s expectations may clash when it comes to the particulars of their sexual relationship. For instance, her idea of "regular sex" may be twice a week while he considers twice a month sufficient. Or he may think that his partner should consistently reach orgasm during lovemaking while she doesn’t care whether she climaxes every time. Because of her partner’s expectations, though, she may feel guilty when she doesn’t.
"When we enter into an intimate relationship, we often bring expectations based on our past sexual experiences," said Bernie Zilbergeld, PhD, a psychotherapist and author of The New Male Sexuality. "This can lead to problems if people have too firm a grip on their expectations." For example, he said, "I’ve seen many men who expect their mate to reach orgasm from intercourse because they claim that previous partners have all had orgasms that way." If the man’s current partner is unable to achieve coital orgasms, "he assumes that there’s something wrong."
Or, he said, "A woman will complain that all her past partners had consistently high sexual desire, and she’s angry that her current partner is not like that."
Judging your partner’s sexual traits against those of other people is not only unfair, it’s also unrealistic. Every person’s sexuality is unique, and it just doesn’t make sense to expect your mate to be like anyone else. People also should realize that when making such comparisons, they often idealize and exaggerate the sexual attributes of their past lovers.
It also is not uncommon for people to measure their mate against some imagined ideal of what a man or woman "should" be like: e.g., "men are always ready to have sex" or "women who like sex have multiple orgasms." But such expectations set the stage for frustration and relationship conflict, say therapists. The person whose expectations are dashed feels disappointed, even angry, at his or her partner’s lack of so-called "normal" sexual response. And when these feelings are communicated, verbally or otherwise, the partner is likely to end up feeling inadequate as well as resentful.
Zilbergeld said many men and women harbor frustrated expectations in their marriage for years, even decades. "I see patients who have been married 20 years, and they have the same complaints about their spouse’s sexual traits that were there from the very beginning," he said.
Although change is certainly possible in any relationship, a person’s basic personality (including their sexual self) tends not to change dramatically in the course of a lifetime. "If your partner’s sexual appetite has always been much less than yours, there are ways for the two of you to work with that and get more out of the relationship," said Zilbergeld. "But it’s probably not realistic to expect that one day your partner will somehow be transformed into someone with a very high libido."
When Sexual Expectations Fall Short
Not all sexual expectations, however, are unrealistic. Sometimes "expectations for a better sex life can be a positive motivating force," said Roger Libby, PhD, a sex therapist and host of a talk radio program in Atlanta called "The Pleasure Dome." "If both partners are willing to make sex a priority, then there’s a pretty good shot at making that happen."
Libby said many people’s sex lives suffer not because their expectations are too high but because they are too low. "In this culture, we tend not to give sex sufficient attention and importance," he said. "It is very common for people to put sex on the back burner, to regard it as cursory rather than one of life’s great pleasures."
This attitude is especially prevalent later in life. "I would say that the majority of men and women expect to have less sex, and less varied sex, as they get older," said Libby. "Some stop having sex altogether." But that doesn’t have to happen. While it’s true that the risk of chronic illness increases with age and that both sexes experience certain age-related physiological changes (i.e, fewer spontaneous erections, reduced vaginal moisture) that affect sexual functioning, older couples who desire sexual intimacy and expect to stay sexually active will find a way to work around these issues.
For example, Libby recently treated a couple in their 70’s who came to him because their sex life had become stagnant. "The husband had various medical problems, including a testosterone deficiency, which affected his sexual functioning and desire," he said. "They were having very little sex and not happy about it." He referred the husband to a physician who gave him supplementary testosterone and treated his other health problems. Libby also worked directly with the couple, encouraging them to take better care of themselves physically and to discuss ways to rekindle romance in their marriage. Within months, the couple’s sex life had greatly improved.
Determining What’s Realistic
"No matter what your situation, you can choose to make it better," asserts Libby. "But if your expectations are narrowly defined, you’re less inclined to make positive changes. When people feel that they don’t have choices, that’s when their expectations are too narrow. They don’t get as much out of life as they could."
But then, unhappiness also can result from expecting too much, harboring expectations that are unlikely to be fulfilled. So, how does one identify which sexual expectations are realistic and which aren’t?
There are no hard-and-fast rules. But a good place to start is to learn more about male and female sexual physiology because many people’s expectations are based on misconceptions about these physical realities. Especially prevalent in this culture are misconceptions about women’s orgasm. For example, many believe it’s the norm for women to climax through intercourse. But that view is contradicted by The Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex and other research finding that most women cannot reach orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation, which intercourse doesn’t usually provide.
Becoming aware of this simple fact can make a world of difference for couples whose intimate lives have suffered because of a misguided belief.
Another unrealistic but common notion is that a man should be able to automatically give his partner an orgasm. Women who hold this belief tend to be passive during sexual activity, essentially lying back and waiting for an orgasm to happen rather than taking a more active role and telling (or showing) their partner what kinds of stimulation arouse them most.
While books such as the Kinsey volume and explicit educational videos like the "Better Sex" series are excellent ways to further one’s sexual knowledge, the best method of all is to communicate with your partner — the one person who can properly educate you about his or her sexual responses and desires.
If you think that your sex life could be better, advises Zilbergeld, you and your partner need to talk "about what’s fixable and what isn’t." A woman who wants her 70-something husband to have the frequent, spontaneous erections of an adolescent male is dealing in delusion — as is the man who expects his post-menopausal wife (however fit) to keep the exact figure she had in her youth.
But sometimes, sexual expectations can be negotiated. Take the example of partners with a large difference in their sexual appetites. Someone who has always had a relatively low sex drive is, as Zilbergeld noted, unlikely to change dramatically — to go from wanting sex once a month to wanting it twice a week. But there are other options for a couple in this situation.
For example, Zilbergeld said, "The partner with lower desire may be willing to do something sexual for his partner from time to time, even if he doesn’t feel like having sex. He can use his hand or mouth to satisfy her or participate by touching and holding her while she masturbates." He said a qualified sex or marital therapist can be particularly useful in helping a couple examine and negotiate their disparate sexual expectations.
The Importance of Attitude
Adjusting one’s expectations and attitude may be just what’s needed to have a better sex life. A study of sexual function and satisfaction in married men illustrates just how beneficial a positive, realistic attitude can be.
Raul Schiavi, MD, a retired professor of psychiatry at Mt. Sinai School of Medicine in New York City, examined the effects of age on sexual function and behavior in 65 healthy married men, ages 45 to 75. The study found "significant age-related decreases" in sexual desire and frequency of activity as well as changes in erectile function, including a decreased capacity to have rigid erections.
But the men reported no age-related differences in the amount of sexual enjoyment and satisfaction they experienced. Many had adapted to changes in sexual functioning by experimenting with alternatives to vaginal intercourse (oral sex, mutual masturbation), or asking their partner for more stimulation prior to intercourse. Rather than feeling frustrated over the fact that they could not perform sexually as they used to, the men were able to appreciate and enjoy their sexuality in the present.
On the other hand, Schiavi said, "People who don’t cope well with age-related changes in functioning, who feel that sex always means intercourse, will suffer."
Of course, this doesn’t mean that we need resign ourselves to every sexual change that comes with aging. Vaginal atrophy and other menopause symptoms may be treated with hormone replacement therapy; testosterone supplements can boost seriously diminished sex drive (in men and women); and, of course, Viagra has proved to be a major aid for many males challenged by impotence.
But if certain changes are inevitable, the best we can do is adjust our expectations and work with what we have. When sexual expectations are in keeping with reality, they are much more likely to be fulfilled — and that means greater sexual happiness, at any age. This article appears in the following topics:
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