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Hands-Free Whoopee(05/04/2004) by Mitchell Tepper "When one friend offered to listen to my repressed feelings about sexuality, presto, everything changed!" Cybersex--aka computer sex--is becoming a more and more popular way of communicating and sharing sexual desires in the relative safety and anonymity of the Internet. Since I've been attempting to learn more about this growing phenomenon, the following posting caught my eye: Subject: Hands-Free Whoopee From: Georgeous2 Message: As a C4-5 quad, sex is 100 percent mental for me--by written word or by phone with a wonderful partner. It's full of passion and absolutely terrific! I have little desire to attempt physical sex, and lots of reservations. I fear I might be more of a spectator than a participant. When prone, I have no arm/hand function, no sensation below my upper chest, and penetration isn't feasible. All that works is my mouth :). I know these problems aren't insurmountable for everyone, but it would be great to hear about any similarly (dys)functioning guys or women who have succeeded at an ongoing relationship. Jim's words sounded familiar to me, not unlike what I've heard from many other people with disabilities. Reservations, fear and a reluctance to attempt physical sex are predictable results of disability when sexual education and instructive role models are lacking. By going on-line, Jim has taken a proactive stance in reaching out to others in a similar situation. In a follow-up posting, Georgeous2 says that he has had several close platonic women friends but was unable to appreciate them because of unexpressed sexual desires. "I lusted for them, feeling guilty and frustrated," he says. "It's not just society that emphasizes sex; it's biological urges too, especially with my massive libido." Jim's guilt disappeared once he found an outlet for sexual expression. "When one friend offered to listen to my repressed feelings about sexuality," he says, "presto, everything changed! Discussing sexuality with women cured my unrequited lust, and freed me to find a great sex-oriented relationship on-line. I am very fulfilled now, just curious about crips like me who manage successful long-term relationships."
I was interested in finding out about Jim's transformation and his subsequent cybersex activities. I sent him an e-mail
asking if he would be willing to share them with
While Jim expressed strong interest in helping out, he wasn't sure he was a representative example of cybersex. "My
experience with written sex doesn't seem typical," he wrote. "I feel that my circumstances are fairly unusual--lack of privacy,
lack of in-person confidence, love of and talent for writing, hyper-horniness and, most of all, luck in finding a couple of
women whose needs match mine."
Jim had other reasons for believing his circumstances to be atypical. "They included a dimension of love," he says. "I felt
guilty and ashamed of my libido for years; so did my disabled lovers, and we cured each other--sort of a self-help sex
therapy. Maybe there are more lonely, isolated and horny disabled folks than I think, but a great majority of people on-line
either have person-to-person sex lives or very much want them."
I can easily understand how Jim feels his situation is unusual, given the variables he lists. But I also believe that when
silence is no longer the norm around sexuality and people with disabilities, we will hear from many more people in very
similar situations. As we create an open discourse on sexuality and disability, free from shame or judgment, we will all have
Jim's "luck" in finding partners whose needs match ours--either on-line or in person, whichever we prefer.
As a virtual expert on human sexuality, I can honestly say I have no clue as to what "representative" cybersex might be. If it's
the stuff I see in public chat rooms, then I am not impressed. I am far more interested in the meaningful, loving and sexually
fulfilling relationships Jim has found.
For Jim, hands-free whoopee is not an inferior substitute; it is his personal form of sexual expression. For him, it is
fulfilling in and of itself, and he doesn't need a physical partner for sexual and emotional happiness. And if a chance for a
physical love relationship should come along, his written relationships may give him the confidence and the skills to make the
leap into different arenas of sexual expression.
Mitch Tepper, M.P.H. and Ph.D. candidate, is a researcher in the field of sexuality and disability at the University of
Pennsylvania.
*Name has been changed.
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