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Jeremy Joseph
(05/04/2004) by Mitchell Tepper
By Mitch Tepper
Sexuality is often about more than just pleasure. Sometimes it's about procreation and other times it's about gender roles.
Right now, for my wife, Cheryl, and I, a big part of it is about Jeremy Joseph.
Jeremy Joseph was born August 4, 1996. He was conceived at home with the help of a vibrator, specimen cup, 10cc
syringe, Cheryl and divine intervention.
After 18 months of determining optimal times for insemination, arranging schedules to fit those times, getting all prepared
and hoping each time that I would ejaculate, we were ecstatic to find out Cheryl was pregnant. Not even taking part in the
delivery matched the high I felt when that test stick turned purple.
Girl or Boy?
We made the decision not to find out the baby's gender ahead of its arrival. What we couldn't avoid was the constant inquiry
from others about sex and the numerous predictions offered. Even Cheryl had feelings that it was going to be a boy.
I explained that research has shown that there is a preference for boys across cultures, and that Cheryl's feelings were likely
informed by the increased value society places on boys. I tried to stay neutral on the predictions. As a sex educator, I knew
the chances of guessing gender were a little less than even. But after two ultrasounds and not a penis in sight, I began to
expect a girl.
Although I said I didn't care whether we had a boy or a girl, I quickly grew comfortable with the idea of having a girl. Even
before my injury I had related better to women than men. I never kept track of sports--which seemed to be a serious deficit
in relating to other boys and men in high school and college--and I really liked girls and women. Now, with a spinal cord
injury, I had the feeling I could be a better father to a girl. I knew that my feeling, too, was informed by deeply ingrained
stereotypes of male and female gender roles, but I had the feeling nonetheless. For the time being, I was happy feeling
comfortable.
It's a Boy
When I saw Jeremy's genitals, I was truly surprised. Having a boy meant facing those doubts about my ability to fulfill my role
as father to my son. The term "father" inherently implies a male gender role, whereas "parent" is gender-neutral. With respect
to sexuality, I have learned to critically examine any role that is scripted in gender-specific terms. Socially imposed concepts
of male and female sexuality tend to limit options for both men and women, and hence human potential. People who
internalize these standards are prone to experience anxiety that they will fail to measure up to their role.
To avoid falling into the gender trap--or allowing doubts about my ability to be a good father to detract from the joy Jeremy
has brought to us--I stay focused on what it means to be a good parent. To me it means providing the basic necessities, a
sense of belonging, education, discipline, guidance, acceptance and love while instilling morals and values. I also focus of the
benefits of working at home on my dissertation while I watch Jeremy with the occasional help of a babysitter. This allows me
an unusual opportunity to establish a meaningful and intimate relationship with my son.
I always loved children and expected to have at least one of my own some day. When I broke my neck 14 years ago, those
expectations were altered. I was told by my doctor that the chances of fathering a child were less than 5 percent, a figure
based on the knowledge and technology available at the time. So when Cheryl and I were discussing marriage, we agreed to
adopt a child if we could not produce our own. Accepting adoption as a viable and equal alternative to procreation helped us
to avoid much of the stress and frustration that can accompany fertility procedures. But whether it's by adoption,
insemination or any other method, having children and being a good parent is possible for all of us.
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