|
Family Trap: How to Cope When Family Members Disapprove of Your Partner(10/26/2009) by Gloria G. Brame At a time when more Americans are crossing social boundaries to form relationships with people of different ages, races, religions, genders, and cultural identities, more and more are encountering rejection in the last place they expected it: at home. It’s always a shock to discover hidden pockets of prejudice in people you thought you knew, and it is especially hurtful when that prejudice is directed against someone you care about. Even worse, pressure and disapproval from family members may create tensions and fights between the couple, as each person tries to cope with feelings of anger and rejection. Prepare Your Partner The best way to prepare for that first intimidating meeting with family members is to talk to your partner about your hopes and fears. Do you have a cousin with a big mouth or a sibling with anger management issues? Discuss who will be there and how you think that person is likely to react. After you leave, do a follow up: did the experience meet your mutual expectations? Was someone downright rude? Was someone unexpectedly sweet? Approach this as a team project and you will both come away feeling closer and stronger than before. No Ambushes If you show up at a family event with someone no one expected and who they would otherwise not choose to associate with, you’re asking for trouble. Instead, before they ever meet your beloved, let them know you’re seeing someone you really like, mention your partner’s first name, and drop little hints about the relationship. The more they feel they know your partner, the less likely they are to stereotype him or her according to race, religion, age or anything else. Be Realistic Do not expect or demand unanimous support. Some relatives will need time to adjust; some may never approve. Either way, don’t let their criticisms ruin your relationship. What your family members want most is for you to be happy, even if they don’t agree on what you need to be happy. If they see that you are happy in your relationship, most will eventually accept your choice. Meanwhile, keep working on building bridges and practice forgiveness. Form Alliances Making allies of open-minded family members is the single best way to beat the stress of dealing with those who disapprove of your choice. Whether it’s a parent, a sibling, or a relative who’s been through a similar struggle with your family, knowing you have a support network of loving relatives on your side will allow you and your partner to take your rightful places in the family. Your allies will validate your choices, keep you in the family loop by making sure you’re invited to events, welcome your partner into their homes, and even run interference for you with your critics. Keep Talking Finally, and most importantly, keep communicating with your partner about the process. Don’t try to make excuses for your family, don’t try to defend the indefensible, and don’t try to bury it all under the rug. Instead, work together as a team and try to present a united front when you meet with your most judgmental relatives. Most couples’ worst fights occur when one partner thinks the other sides with his or her family against them. Let your partner know that you are in this together. Remember: it’s your life; it’s your choice; the only two people who really have to approve of the relationship are you and your partner. The rest, as they say, is gravy. Source: www.loveandhealth.info This article appears in the following topics: |
|
© 1996- THE SEXUAL HEALTH NETWORK, INC