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What Are You Looking For In A Partner?
(02/26/2008) by Marty Klein
As you craft your online profile, as you browse others’, as you scan a room full of actual people…what are you looking for in a date, mate, or friend-with-benefits? Before you answer too quickly, think about how you select people, and whether or not that serves you.
Back in the 1950s, most people knew exactly who their mate would be: someone of the same race, opposite gender, similar social class, and 2-5 years older (if male) or younger (if female). Cinderella may have dreamed of Prince Charming, but rarely found him in real life; Walter Mitty occasionally had his mid-life crisis with a hot young secretary, but no one approved, nor expected it to last. And it almost never did. Things are different now – or at least they can be, if we’re open to them.
Why NOT date someone significantly younger or older? Particularly if you don't want to have children, that opens up a lot of possibilities - since you wont necessarily need to limit your search to people who want to be parents. And if you’re thinking, "why would a young guy want an old broad like me," you haven’t spoken to many young guys lately. The number of people in their late 20s and 30s who appreciate fine wine is definitely growing.
Social class and income are interesting self-imposed boundaries. While it’s generally been acceptable for men to date or marry "down," many people are still skeptical when women do it. It was a staple of film comedies in the 30s and 40s, and TV sitcoms still make dumb jokes about it (and a few excellent jokes; thank you, Sam and Diane). But today, people of various classes are mixing more than ever, and our homogenized culture almost guarantees they’ll have things in common.
Ethnicity? Unless preserving your cultural traditions is an important goal (and, depending on the person, even if it is), feel free to jump into the globalized dating/mating pool. Whereas an East Texas-West Texas couple used to be considered mixed, most parts of America are now real melting pots – people from different parts of the globe meeting and melting together. Places like San Francisco, Miami, and Washington show us the future: lots of beige people with multi-lingual children.
As a veteran therapist, I don’t necessarily believe that "opposites attract," or that they last longer than other couples. But a certain amount of "otherness" can stimulate – intellectually, emotionally, even physically. You know how going to the movies can be more fun when you and your date disagree about the film? That said, sharing common values is important to most people. Honesty, fairness, empathy, ambition, spirituality – life can be easier when your companion values each of these roughly as much (or as little) as you do. The details, though – how people choose to implement those shared values – are where differences can be fascinating, endearing, enriching. It may take a little extra communication, but there isn’t a relationship in the world that doesn’t need a little more of that.
This doesn’t mean that everyone has to be open to every person on earth. Rather, it means examining our assumptions about others and ourselves, and opening our eyes – and hearts – to the riches around us. In our gloriously diverse world, riches don’t always come in the packages we expect.
Source: www.loveandhealth.info
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